What do you call an alligator in a sweater vest?
An investigator.....
bt
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What do you call an alligator in a sweater vest?
An investigator.....
bt
Somewhere I have a bumper sticker that says "Bolus and Snopes are Goodness and Nice"Quote:
Originally Posted by Bardahl77
Did you know who introduced the Christmas Wreath to America?
It was Benjamin Franklin.
What - you never heard of a Wreath of Franklin?
My wife did not think it was funny, but I think it is historical.
my tribute to Norm Crosby (RIP)
ChrisZ
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress....But then I repeat myself.
-Mark Twain
Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers
No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-Mark Twain (1866)
Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
-Unknown
The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-Ronald Reagan
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-Mark Twain
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-Herbert Spencer
There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress.
-Mark Twain
What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-Edward Langley
A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson
I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"
One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"
So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"
And that's the last thing I remember…..
SOME GOLDEN OLDIES
1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. 'Phone answering machine message - " . . . If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week . . . and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. A man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. The Doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. "'Doctor, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down". "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"
14. A man goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Now don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat guys in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat *******!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go to those places anymore"
Do not vaccinate health care workers first. If it fails, we are all in trouble.
Vaccinate politicians first. if we lose a few of them it won't matter.
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple.
I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples.
I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents.
I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
If the young man had been able to keep doubling his money each day for a month, he would have had $53,687,091.20.
Mike and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they carefully watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
Mike asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
Mike looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Mike..
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Mike. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
Mike looked around and nervously asked Yvonne 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?'
'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
'No gym to work out at?' said Mike
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again'
Mike glared at Yvonne and said,
"You and your **** stupid Bran Flakes. We could have been here years ago!"
Determining food freshness....................
Eggs. When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
Dairy Products. Milk is spoiled when it looks like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway, and can't get more spoiled than it already is.
Meat. If opening the refrigerator causes stray animals to congregate outside your kitchen door, the meat is spoiled.
Lettuce. This is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet.
Carrots. A carrot that you can tie in a clove hitch is not fresh.
Chinese Food. If the carton must be cut away to remove the contents, suspect them.
Potatoes. Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense leafy undergrowth.
Canned Goods. Any canned good that has become the shape or size of a basketball should be removed from the premises. Wear a helmet.
Mayonnaise. If eating it makes you violently ill, mayonnaise is spoiled.
Artichokes. Discard these when the points have become as tightly furled as porcupine quills.
Rule of Thumb. Most food cannot be kept longer than the average lifespan of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lynn
Exactly! One of the great ways to teach kids the power of compound interest!.
"You have 2 choices. One, I give you $100,000 today, February the 1st. Or two, i give you a penny today, twice that amount the next day, twice that amount the next, etc for the entire month of February. Which option would you prefer?"
Make them write the math out by hand, and watch their faces as they do it!
cheers,
BT
Thread hijack:Quote:
Originally Posted by billtebbutt
Don't ya just hate it when somebody says "It's growing exponentially" when they mean incrementally. Most recently a USC ER doc on TV who should know better, talking about Covid.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, "No, but I do fart a lot."
POSITIVE ATTITUDE..........................
LATE IN THE NIGHT.
HE FINALLY REGAINED CONSCIOUSNESS. HE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL, in terrible pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him.
He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.
The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable:
"YOU MAY NOT FEEL ANYTHING FROM THE WAIST DOWN."
SOMEHOW HE MANAGED TO MUMBLE IN REPLY
"CAN I FEEL YOUR BOOBS, THEN?"
AND THAT, MY FRIEND, IS A POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine.
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
.
Australian Bricklayer's Accident Report
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form I submitted.
I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.
Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.
This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this explanation answers your request.
Thank You.
I was in the elevator when she got in.
I was casually staring at her boobs when she said,
"Could you press one for me please”.
So I did... and I don't remember much afterwards, but I'm guessing it was the wrong one.
Hi Fred, this is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.
The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you.
I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won't happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.
THE RESPONSE
Fred, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbour dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.
He took out his phone where he saw he had a second message from his neighbor:
THE SECOND MESSAGE
Hi Fred, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out anyway, and that you noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed "wi-fi" to "wife" That's that technology for you, hey?
Regards, Alan
Sex and Good English!
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man slowly produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, "This is a powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say 1-2-3. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was very delighted. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working after I'm satisfied?"
"Your partner must say 1-2-3-4," he responded. "And when she says that, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked. So he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and
then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3"... immediately, he was the most masculine of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition... because we could end up with a dangling participle.
A young New Jersey woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her."You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to France tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to France, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food every day and I get a free trip to France."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience then got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry!"
MEDICAL LAUGHTER
1. A man comes into the ER and yells.....'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.’ I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
- Submitted by Dr. Mike MacDonald, San Francisco
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,’ I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,’ replied the patient.
- Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
- Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?’ I asked.
'The patch. The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
- Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion, she answered, 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
- Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked, 'So how's your breakfast this morning?’
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
- Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .'Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'
- Submitted by RN, no name
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said.....'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?’
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard, 'No doctor but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'
- Dr. - wouldn't submit his name....
9. Baby's First Doctor Visit
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. When he arrived, the doctor examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'
When I did my residency in a Pittsburgh Hospital, a family from West Virginia came in where the husband had divorced his wife and married his mother-in-law and had kids with both wives. They were exactly as this poem! We worked out the entire family tree on a dry erase board...Quote:
Originally Posted by R. Pare
While hiking through the U. S. National Forest in Ocala, Florida this past weekend I happened across a Port-a-Potty with a sign on the door that read:
Masks are required in all Federal Buildings
I made the mistake of telling my husband an early symptom of COVID is loss of smell.
He's taken to passing gas in my vicinity then when I react, informing me he is helpfully "performing a health check".
He taught the children the technique. I may divorce him.
Two old Jewish men, Sid and Abe, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant.
Sid asks Abe, “Do you know if any people of our ancestry were ever born and raised in Mexico?"
Abe replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."
When the waiter arrives, Abe asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
The waiter says, "I don't know senor, I ask the cooks.”
He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, "No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews."
Abe isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"
The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies, "I check once again, senor," and goes back into the kitchen.
While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere!"
The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook Manuel, he say there is no Mexican Jews."
"Are you certain?" Abe asks again. "I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"
"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter.
"All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Apple Jews, but no Mexican Jews."
Red Buttons, appearing on a late night Show, announced he was 80 years old but that 80 is not "old." Red explained:
"OLD" is when..... your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
"OLD" is when..... your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" is when..... a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" is when..... going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" is when..... you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" is when..... you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" is when..... "getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
"OLD" is when..... "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" is when..... an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!
"OLD" is when..... your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.
"OLD" is when..... a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.
"OLD" is when..... you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
And OLD' IS WHEN...You are not sure these are jokes?
Hmmm . . . . about five decades ago I used to say that old age begins when you can't eat a whole large pepperoni pizza and drink a pitcher of beer without gaining weight.
YMMV
Mrs. Barberio comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the evening, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. While watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email:
Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son
Anthony
Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:
Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mama
Medical College Professor to a girl student : "Which human body part expands 5 times its normal size...?"
Girl Student : "Sir I can't answer this question, it's too embarrassing...
Professor asked the same question to a male student.
Male Student : "It's the Pupil of a human eye..."????
Professor : "Correct."
Then Professor turned to the female and said: "Listen lady , not only your thinking is wrong but your expectations are also very high...
5 times is too much...!!! "
Ahhh... The English language is so versitile, that the same words can have different meanings:
No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words "COMPLETE and FINISHED".
Some people say there's no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED, but there is:
When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE!
When you marry the wrong woman you are FINISHED!
And when your wife catches you with another woman, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!
And if you marry a woman who likes shopping so much, you are FINISHED COMPLETELY.
HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
- CREATION EXPLAINED - HOW IT REALLY HAPPENED
1. In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the
Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and
red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would livelong and healthy lives.
2. Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream
and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate
with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it,
add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
3. And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that
Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and
combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
4. So God said, "Try my fresh green salad."
And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast
on the side . And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
5. God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil
in which to cook them.
And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed
its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through
the roof.
6. God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake" and
said, "It is good."
Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
7 . God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose
those extra pounds.
And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to
toil changing the channels. And Man and Womanlaughed and cried before the
flickering blue light and gained pounds.
8 . Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming
with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips
and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
9 . God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and
still satisfy his appetite.- And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double
cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man
replied, "Yes! And super-size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went
into cardiac arrest.
10 . God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
11. Then Satan created the Health Care System.
Amen.
I have been missing these!!!!!
Medical experts in Melbourne today were asked if it is time to ease the COVID lockdowns.
Allergists were in favour of scratching it, but Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought
the government had a lot of nerve.
Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception,
while Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Many Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while Pediatricians said, "Oh,
grow up!"
Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while Radiologists could
see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and Pharmacists
claimed it would be a bitter pill to swallow.
Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on
the matter."
Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but Urologists were pissed off by the
whole idea.
Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, and Cardiologists didn't have
the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in politics.
Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco the Wonder Dog, who weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What, did she think I had an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me,
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
Two Children Were Waiting In The Doctor’s Waiting Room.
The Girl Started to cry
The Boy Asked Her: "Why Are You Crying?”
The Girl Said: “I’m Here For Blood Test , the doctor will be going to Cut My Finger”
The Boy cried as well.
Girl: “ Why Are You Crying?”
Boy: “I’m Here For The Urine Test“.