More bad jokes

Why Italian Grandfathers Pass Their Handguns Down Through The Family:

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside.

“Elio, I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me.”

“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?”

“You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be running da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife,
lotsa money, a bigga home and maybe a couple of bambinos.”

“Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.

Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘”Time’s Up ?”

Why do cows have bells?

‘Cause their horns don’t work.

There's a new expensive recipe for car guys who love sea food.

It's called Shrimp Lamborghini.

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A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"

How can you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, how could you treat them?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Did Adam and Eve have navels?

Does anyone ever vanish with a trace?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?

If a mute child swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

Why are we afraid of falling? Shouldn't we be afraid of the sudden stop?

Why do airlines call flights nonstop? Don't they all stop eventually?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

A friend of mine had just seen a documentary about Chernobyl. He grew up in Ukraine in the 1980s and was able to count at least eight historical inaccuracies on one hand.

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

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Well, maybe if the road is flat and straight enough...


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vnFbW9gg6ts

It was mailman George's last day on the job after 35 years of delivering the mail through all kinds of weather. When he arrived at the first house on his route, the whole family came out, roundly congratulated him, and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the next house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he'd had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this is just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.'"

"Breakfast was my idea."

What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing Taxi.

Deodorant? No, I've never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes.

What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler.

Two cheese trucks ran into each other. De brie was everywhere.

If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome... I'd have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.

The new iPhone X has facial recognition. Some of you all ladies are gonna be locked out after you wash your face off.

Eyelashes are supposed to prevent things from getting into your eyes but when I do have something in my eye it's always an eyelash. Eyeronic.

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this chit ..."

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

Isn't it weird how when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.

I called a suicide hotline in Afghanistan. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck. Edit: Wow, can't believe this blew up.

Patrons of a bar mourned the passing of the bar's mutt, Spot. They cut off his tail and framed it as a memorial.
Spot was about to enter heaven when St. Peter stopped him. "Heaven's a place of perfection," said the saint. "You deserve to enter but not without your tail. Go back and retrieve it."

In the middle of the night Spot scratched on the door of the bar.

"It's the spirit of our dear Spot!" exclaimed the bartender. "What can I do for you?"

Spot said he needed his tail to enter heaven.

"Sorry," the barkeep replied, "but my liquor license doesn't allow me to retail spirits after hours."

Indian chief, ‘Two Eagles’, was asked by a white U.S. government official, “You have observed the white man for 90 years. You’ve seen his progress and the damage he’s done.”

The chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, “Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?”

The Chief stared at the official then replied, “When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine Man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.”

Then the Chief leaned back and smiled, “Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.”

Old Age & Pandemic Humor



“The devil whispered to me, ‘I’m coming for you.’ I whispered back, ‘Bring pizza.’”



Me: (sobbing, my eyes swollen, my nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am not going to let you hurt me like this ever again.” Trainer: “It was a sit up. You did one sit up.”



“Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.”



“When I was a kid, I wanted to be older. This is definitely not what I expected.”



“Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter, either.”

“Chocolate is God’s way of telling us He likes us a little bit chubby.”



“It’s probably my age that fools people into thinking I’m an adult.”



“Marriage counselor: ‘Your wife tells me you never buy her flowers. Is that true?’
Husband: ‘To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.’”



“We can all agree that in 2015 not a single person got the answer correct to ‘Where do you see yourself five years from now?’”



“So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?”



“If you can’t think of a word, say ‘I forget the English word for it.’ That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of just dumb.”



“This is the day dogs have been dreaming about all their lives. They realize their owners are stuck at home with them. The dogs couldn’t be happier. Cats are all contemplating suicide.”

A vegan once said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"

So I replied: the people who sell vegetables are grocer.

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"


"She just died and left me everything."

A while ago a new supermarket opened in Chatswood, Sydney, Australia.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is the scent of freshly mowed hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and cackling, and the air is filled
with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.


I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at the weekend a strange lady came around."
"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear."

"Well," says the little girl, "Daddy told me to stay downstairs while they went upstairs, but I
followed them without Daddy seeing me, and I saw them hugging and kissing at the top of the
stairs. Then they went into your bedroom and shut the door, but I went up and looked through the keyhole."

"Clever girl," purrs Mummy. "What could you see through the keyhole?"

"I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and then they started to take each other's clothes off, and they carried on until they had nothing on,
and then the lady got on the bed and Daddy got on top of her."

"Yes?" says Mummy. "And then what happened?"

"Then they did what you and Uncle Jack did when Daddy was in New York last year," says the little girl confidently.

Our battleship was bound for Japan. Because of a minor infraction, a shipmate was busted one rank, fined and given extra duty for three weeks.

Looking forward to celebrating his 21st birthday on July 22, he consoled himself every night during his extra duty by reciting, "They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday."

As July 22 approached, his excitement increased. When he went to bed on July 21, he happily repeated, "They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday."

The next morning, he found out that the ship had crossed the international date line -- and it was July 23."

Why did the Raven stop in the middle of the road? Because the chicken didn't make it across.

Wasn't the original version of that about a Kentucky hillbilly out foraging for his lunch? :)

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to_4-letter words.



A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy ."
-Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
-Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
-Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
-Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
-Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
-Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
-Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
-Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
-Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
-Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
-Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
-Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
-Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening But I'm afraid this wasn't it."
-Groucho Marx

Monday- My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the satisfaction from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Tuesday - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to throw up on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

Wednesday - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

Thursday - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan......

Friday - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called 'shampoo.' What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.,

Saturday - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call 'beer.' More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of 'allergies.' Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Sunday - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

There is a theory which states that if anybody ever discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

This happened to an Englishman visiting in France who was totally drunk.

The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking.

With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and quite a few glasses of single malt thereafter.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alco-test (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows, that under French Law, why he is going to be arrested.

The Englishman answers with humor: "No sir, I do not! But while you're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving... on the other side?"

A henpecked man got tired of his wife constantly picking on him, so he started playing poker on Friday nights with his buddies just to get some relief.

After he came home she'd start right in on him again.

After several weeks went by, he came home early one Friday night about 9:30.

His wife asked him how come he was home early. He told her, "You need to pack your bags and go to Herb's house, I lost you to him in the card game tonight."

His wife became furious and started to give him ****.

She said, "Just how could you do such a thing!?"

He replied, "It was the hardest thing I've ever done... I had to fold with four aces."

Sometimes I look at people and think "Really? That's the sperm that won?"

.

Heard over a loudspeaker:

"Travelers are asked please do NOT notify security about any unaccompanied bags,

as you are in fact in, Luggage World."



Thank you Andy Parsons.

Last year I took a trip on JetBlue with a dead raccoon under my arm. The flight attendant asked me if I could check it as baggage.

"No thanks," I said, "it's carrion."

This year I've had loads of requests for my vodka Christmas cake recipe so once again, here goes. Please keep it in your files as I'm beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!
(Made mine this morning).

1 cup sugar
Half pound butter
1tsp baking powder
1 cup water
1tsp salt
1cup brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1....bottle vodka, large
2 cups dried fruit
4 cups self raising flour

Sample a cup of vodka to check quality.

Take a large bowl, check the vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality, then repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.

Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again
At this point, it's best to make sure the vodka is still Ok

Try another cup just in case

Turn off the mixer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the fruit off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver
Sample the vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the vodka. Now sshift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table
Add a spoon of sugar or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over

Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the feckin window. Finish of the vodka and wipe the counter with the cat.

It should work well with bourbon or rum instead of vodka. Maybe, even betterer.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by R. Pare

This year I've had loads of requests for my vodka Christmas cake recipe so once again, here goes.

---

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Lynn

It should work well with bourbon or rum instead of vodka. Maybe, even betterer.

---

My wife is English and we make an English Christmas cake every year - made it 3 weeks ago.
The recipe is similar. My job is to test the fruit (raisins, currents, sultans) seeping in Brandy or Cognac.
It takes 1 bottle over 3-4 days. Testing is crucial. :beer:

DOWN THE DRAIN
(The twelve bottles of whisky)

I had twelve bottles of whisky in my cellar...
and my wife told me to empty the contents
of each and every bottle down the sink...
or else!
So, I said I would... and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and
poured the contents down the sink, with the
exception of one glass... which I drank.

I extracted the cork from the second bottle
and did likewise with the exception of one
glass... which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the third bottle and
poured the whiskey down the sink, with the
exception of one glass... which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the fourth sink
and poured the bottle down the glass...
which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next
and drank one sink out of it and threw the
rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and
poured the cork from the bottle.
Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled
the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied I steadied
the house with one hand, counted the bottles,
corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which
were twenty-nine.
To make sure I counted them again... they came to seventy-four.

And as the house came by, I counted them again,
and finally I had all the houses and bottles and
corks and sinks and glasses counted,
except one house and one cork... which l drank.

Because of all the live sports competitions cancelled, it’s been announced that the World Origami Championships will be televised in December.

It’s on PaperView.

Do you know how to make a hormone?

Refuse to pay her.

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'


3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.


4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'


6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'


7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'

'Is it common?'

Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'


8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'

'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.

'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.


9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.


10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.


11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.


13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.


14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'


16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.

'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.

'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'


18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'


19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


20. There was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.



I didn’t think the chiropractor would improve my posture.

But I stand corrected.



I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price.

She called me a cheap skate.



Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them.

It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.



I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery.

She was in charge of the hops.



My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce.

I found out she was seeing someone on the side.



My wife claims I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met.

I’m not buying it.



Did you know that a raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow only has 16.

The difference between a raven and a crow is just a matter of a pinion.



I told my carpenter I didn’t want carpeted steps.

He gave me a blank stair.



What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision?

Suture self.

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My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start, but I made it!

If a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be...
There's no need to remind her every half hour

I asked my phone, "Siri, why am I so bad with women?"
She said, "I'm Alexa you moron."

I think weekends are made in China.
They don't last long.

Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one.

If a fire-fighter's business can go up in smoke, and a plumber's business can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?

I arranged a threesome on the weekend.
Had two no shows, but I still had fun.

One thing I have noticed over the last few months is that I’m sick only on weekdays.
It must be my weekend immune system.

Every weekend I tell myself "John, you gotta quit drinking man"
Good thing my name's not John..

Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your bottom say "stop"?
Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said "don't stop".

What do you call a dumb brunette? A dirty blonde.

FRIDAY is my second favorite F word.

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive...
It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

Two wrongs don't make a right, take your parents as an example.

What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? "Where on Earth have you been?!"

I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

Your family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a prick.

I liked beer so much that my family didn't know I drank until they saw me sober!

Welcome to Twitter - if you are not already following a mom who drinks wine one will be assigned to you.

I asked dad for his best dad joke, he said you.

A mother makes her son intelligent in 20 years, but a woman can make him stupid in 30 seconds.

I'll never forget my grandpa's final words, "stop shaking the ladder you little fart."

Doctor: "Well, it looks like you're pregnant."
Woman: "Oh my God, I'm pregnant?!"
Doctor: "No, it just looks like you are."

This week in history


Do you know what happened this week back in 1850? California became a state.

The state had no electricity. No money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets.

So it was just like California today, only the women had real breasts.

Redneck Family Tree


Many many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter
who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
and soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa.

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.




To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.




Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.




The older I get, the earlier it gets late.




When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.




I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.




I had my patience tested. I'm negative.




If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

This is the answering machine message the Pacific Palisades High School
(California) Staff voted to record on their school telephone answering
system.

Too bad they can't actually use it...

This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and
parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing
homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want
their children's failing grades changed to passing grades even though thosechildren were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not
complete enough school work to pass their classes.

This was voted unanimously by the office staff as the actual answering
machine message for the school :

"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.
In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please
listen to all your options before making a selection"

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your
news letter and several flyers mailed to you -Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be
accountable and responsible for his/ her own behavior, class work,
homework, and that it's not the teachers' fault for your children's lack
of effort...

Hang up and have a nice day!"

Gifts for Guys

Its coming around to the Holiday season and as usual millions of ladies are stumped trying to choose what to buy that special man in your life.

HERE ARE SOME RULES TO HELP:

Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. "By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years.

Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink. You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12: Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our boy scout origins, . Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for
something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees". The cannibals
promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very
hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our custodians has
disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool ! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the custodian!"

Holiday Strategy


An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York says, "I hate to
ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?!," the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the old man says.
"We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about
this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like
heck they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are
NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm
calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"

And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "They're coming
for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

How can you tell when a NASCAR fan is watching a Formula One race?
When he taps you on the shoulder and asks "Are we watching qualifying?"

What’s the hardest part about drag racing?
Running in heels.

I took the shell off my racing snail to see if it would make it go any faster
It just made it more sluggish.

Did you know that Vlad the Impaler was a very successful racing instructor?
He brought thousands into the pole position.

I was in a bar the other day when a girl asked me, "What do you do?"
I said, "I race cars."
She asked, "Do you win many races?"
I said, "No, the cars are much faster."

"Last night I went street racing. The street won."

Oscar Kovelesky.

Anyone else remember Oscar's stories in Road and Track when he was racing Can-Am? Like the one when he broke his knee putting on his helmet? Or the one where they were trying to get the McLaren out of the semi trailer after leaving the ramps at the shop?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Lynn

.
Anyone else remember Oscar's stories in Road and Track when he was racing Can-Am? Like the one when he broke his knee putting on his helmet? Or the one where they were trying to get the McLaren out of the semi trailer after leaving the ramps at the shop?

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I remember the PRDA, but I was more of a Bolus & Snopes fan.