More bad jokes

[R. Pare]

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".

[R. Pare]

An old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $10
The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $100 please use the ATM.”

The old lady wanted to know why ...

The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line of customers behind you.”

The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”

The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, you have $300,000 in your account and the bank doesn't have that much cash currently.
Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?

The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.

The teller told her any amount up to $3000

"Well, please let me have $3000 now", The teller then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her

The old lady put $10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2990 back into her account.

The moral of this tale .......

Don't be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skills

[R. Pare]

[Rinkles]

Ha! Seems appropriate enough to me.

[R. Pare]

[R. Pare]

https://www.facebook.com/reel/127673...gle_unit&__cft

[TimH]

From the DadJoke book:

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?














Because they do it really well.

[R. Pare]

Rather obvious!

[R. Pare]

I just got off the phone with a friend living in northern ND near the Canadian border.



He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the wind is increasing to near gale force.



His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.



He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

[Lynn]

One of humanity's most important but underrated inventions was the shovel. It was ground breaking.

[R. Pare]

I was asleep at a hotel and suddenly the phone rang, bringing me out of a lovely deep sleep.

When I answered it, the voice on the other end said ‘you’re 20 pounds overweight, you always take people’s kindness for granted, and you’ve been working at a **** job you hate for 20 years’

I asked who the hell is this and what did they think they were talking about. ‘Sir, this is reception, you asked for a wake-up call at 7am’, the lady said.

I went downstairs to the attached bar and had a seat. After ordering a beer, I heard a soothing voice say “nice tie!” Looking around, I noticed that the bar was empty except for me and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later, the voice said “beautiful shirt“.

At this point, I called the bartender over. “Hey…I must be losing my mind,” I told the bartender. “I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there’s not a soul in here but us.”

"It’s the peanuts,” answered the bartender.

“The peanuts?" I say.

"Yeah," the bartender says. “It’s the peanuts. They’re complimentary.“

[R. Pare]

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!"
shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?

[CheckeredFlag]

Upon arriving at the bodybuilder contest, Dr. Frankenstein was surprised to learn that he had misinterpreted the rules.

[R. Pare]

I’ve been thinking about going on a vegan diet.




Turns out vegans are MUCH harder to catch than cows.

[CheckeredFlag]

By "World of Engineering" on Twitter:

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby minimizing total distance travelled?” Well don’t you know, she loved my suggestion!

It used to take her 11 minutes to make her breakfast… now I do it in 5.

[R. Pare]

[R. Pare]

SERVICE EXPLAINED.

I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies:

Banking 'Service'

Postal 'Service'

Telephone 'Service'

Pay TV 'Service'

State & Public 'Service'

Customer 'Service'

Bureaucratic 'Service'



This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

Then I visited my uncle, he's a farmer, and he hired a bull

to 'Service' his cows.

Suddenly WOW!!! It all came clear.

Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us!

[CheckeredFlag]

By Jason Ochart on Twitter:

I golfed with a hilarious 78 year old man, and he was dishing out life tips the whole time.

He tells me after the round, "don't talk to me in the parking lot, my wife is picking me up and she thinks I went deaf 5 years ago."

[R. Pare]

An RAF veteran is giving a talk to a class of school children, and was trying to explain what a typical mission would be like.

"So there I was, escorting the bombers to their target, when out of the blue we were attacked by a bunch of fokkers. There were about 20 of these fokkers. One took out my buddy, but I managed to shoot the fokker down. Then one was on my tail and I couldn't shake the fokker, but my pal took care of him. Then I took out two more of the fokkers..."

The teacher interupts "Children I should explain, the Fokker was a type of figher airplane used by the German Air Force to stop the RAF bombers and their escorts."

"Yes, but these fokkers were flying Messerschmitts!"

[Lynn]

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So, that the men can think of a solution in peace and quiet.

[TimH]

A city slicker decides he needs to slow down his lifestyle and moves to
a cabin in the woods. After a few days there's a knock on the door and
a huge mountain man introduces himself:

"Howdy neighbor. I have the place over on the other side of the meadow
and came to invite you to a little welcome party I'm throwing for you
next Friday."

"Well that's very nice of you. I'll certainly be there."

"You should know, there's a lot of drinkin' at these things."

"I don't mind a sniff or two myself. That should be good."

"'Course then there's usually a fight."

"I can generally take care of myself, so don't worry."

"Then after that there can be some pretty hot sex."

"Well, now, that's been a while for me. Tell me, how should I dress for
the ladies around here?"

"Oh, don't worry. It's just you and me."

[TimH]

Stoplight yesterday.

[Terry Hanushek]

Stoplight yesterday.

Is that an FIA 2019 spec rainlight?

[Steve Davis]

Is that an FIA 2019 spec rainlight?

NO.. but that's no problem for him/her.. it's a closed wheel car .

[TimH]

I'm an intense, results-oriented guy. I also try to be precise, but sometimes do tend to misinterpret what I hear. My boss told me I need to relax. So I took the rest of the month off.

Now he wants to fire me.

I'm not feeling so relaxed.

[R. Pare]

Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.

A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.


If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.


I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.


I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.


I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.


Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce, and cheese. FINE, it was a pizza.... OK, I ate a pizza! Are you happy now?


I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.


I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.


Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.


Senility has been a smooth transition for me.



Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below freezing outside they closed school? Yeah, Me neither.


I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.


I love approaching 80, I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things.


A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I got up and searched with him.


I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.


Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.


Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.


It’s weird being the same age as old people.


When I was a kid I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected.


Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.


It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.


Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true? Me : To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.


Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember…Don’t sing!


I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.


So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?


I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.


You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.


We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

[R. Pare]

A friend just called me, saying that she got fired from her job as a Bingo caller.



I asked "How the hell did you get fired from that??"



Her response :"Apparently "a meal for 2 with a hairy view" is not the way to call the number 69".

[CheckeredFlag]

From engineers_feed on Twitter/X:

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

Mechanical engineer: it’s a broken starter.

Electrical engineer: dead battery.

Chemical engineer: impurities in the gasoline.

IT engineer: hey guys, I have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in.

[R. Pare]

A lawyer and a priest both die at the same time and are standing at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter takes them in and shows them their new home. They begin with the lawyer and he's shown a big, beautiful penthouse condo with indoor pool and the best view in Heaven. There's gorgeous women, exotic cars, the works. So they leave the lawyer and the priest is thinking to himself "wow. If that's what a lawyer gets, I can only imagine what I am going to receive. I have been a faithful servant of God all my life. This aught to be something great!" They arrive at a nice line of row houses. Nothing special, but nice. A Buick in the driveway and an average looking woman on the porch for company. "This is your new home Father. The kitchen is permanently stocked with all your favorite foods and there's a church right down the road for you to continue your work" says St. Peter. "But...I don't understand. While this is nice, why did the lawyer get such extravagance and a life long servant of God does not?" the priest asked. "Father, you must understand, we get your kind up here all the time. This is the FIRST lawyer we've ever had!"

[R. Pare]

A big city attorney was driving through the countryside on his way to his cabin in the woods. He approaches a 4 way intersection marked with stop signs in all directions. He slows down, looks both directions and doesn't see any other cars, so he just drives through the intersection. About a mile down the road he gets pulled over by a small town cop. The cop approaches the lawyers window and says "I'm deputy Jones with the county Sheriff's office. License and registration please." "Why did you pull me over deputy"?" The lawyer asks. The cop says "you failed to come to a complete stop at the last intersection. License and registration, please." The lawyer said "well, I slowed down and I didn't see any other cars, I didn't see the harm in safely continuing through the intersection." The cop says "sir, the law says you have to stop at a stop sign. License and registration, please." The lawyer says "I'll tell you what, I'll give you my license and registration and if you can show me the legal difference between 'stop' and 'slow down' you can give me a ticket." The cop thinks for a moment, then says "Okay. Please step out of the car, sir." The lawyer gets out of his car and the cop pulls out his nightstick and starts beating the hell out of the lawyer. After a few seconds the cop pauses and asks the lawyer "do you want me to stop, or slow down?"

[E1pix]

One.

A good start.

[J Leonard]

Lv gp

[TimH]

Lv gp

A very BAD joke.

[R. Pare]

My Favorite Animal


Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."


She said I wasn't funny; but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.


My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.


I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.


He said they love animals very much.


I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.


Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.


I told him what happened, and he laughed, too.. Then he told me not to do it again.


The next day in class my teacher asked me what live animal was my favorite.


I told her it was chicken. She asked me why; so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.


She sent me back to the principal's office.


He laughed and told me not to do it again.


I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.


Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous military person I admired most.


I told her, "Colonel Sanders."


Guess where the hell I am now...

[BeerBudgetRacing]

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.

My 2 favorite bumper stickers:

PETA: People Eating Tasty Animals

I love animals. They're delicious.

[R. Pare]

Mom said:

"Alcohol is your enemy"

Jesus said:

"Love your enemy"


Case closed.

[R. Pare]

Real life is rather amusing at times!


Went to pick up a prescription today, but had to also make use of their men's room. Got in the stall, and on the door was a nicely printed sign that said:


" Please flush only tissue paper down the toilet"


And in handwriting under it:


"So what do I do with my ****?"

[R. Pare]

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/Ty-jH...?feature=share

[R. Pare]

[R. Pare]

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies, so, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know....they have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,

'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar...You know.. there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, ********? Drink your ****ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your mother****ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't ****ing going anywhere! Got it, *******?'


..........and, they lived happily ever after.


Now, isn't that a sweet story?!!