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Last edited by R. Pare; 06.19.22 at 11:36 AM.
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Last edited by R. Pare; 06.19.22 at 11:35 AM.
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Last edited by R. Pare; 06.19.22 at 11:35 AM.
When I was five, the family crossed the Mohave with one of these in the window of our 1954 Ford sedan.
ABBOTT AND COSTELLO’S ‘WHO’S BEEN VACCINATED?’
Bud: ‘You can’t come in here!’
Lou: ‘Why not?’
Bud: ‘Well because you’re unvaccinated.’
Lou: ‘But I’m not sick.’
Bud: ‘It doesn’t matter.’
Lou: ‘Well, why does that guy get to go in?’
Bud: ‘Because he’s vaccinated.’
Lou: ‘But he’s sick!’
Bud: ‘It’s alright. Everyone in here is vaccinated.’
Lou: ‘Wait a minute. Are you saying everyone in there is vaccinated?’
Bud: ‘Yes.’
Lou: ‘So then why can’t I go in there if everyone is vaccinated?’
Bud: ‘Because you’ll make them sick.’
Lou: ‘How will I make them sick if I’m NOT sick and they’re vaccinated.’
Bud: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’
Lou: ‘But they’re vaccinated.’
Bud: ‘But they can still get sick.’
Lou: ‘So what the heck does the vaccine do?’
Bud: ‘It vaccinates.’
Lou: ‘So vaccinated people can’t spread covid?’
Bud: ‘Oh no. They can spread covid just as easily as an unvaccinated person.’
Lou: ‘I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. Look. I’m not sick.
Bud: ‘Ok.’
Lou: ‘And the guy you let in IS sick.’
Bud: ‘That’s right.’
Lou: ‘And everybody in there can still get sick even though they’re vaccinated.’
Bud: ‘Certainly.’
Lou: ‘So why can’t I go in again?’
Bud: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’
Lou: ‘I’m not asking who’s vaccinated or not!’
Bud: ‘I’m just telling you how it is.’
Lou: ‘Nevermind. I’ll just put on my mask.’
Bud: ‘That’s fine.’
Lou: ‘Now I can go in?’
Bud: ‘Absolutely not?’
Lou: ‘But I have a mask!’
Bud: ‘Doesn’t matter.’
Lou: ‘I was able to come in here yesterday with a mask.’
Bud: ‘I know.’
Lou: So why can’t I come in here today with a mask? ….If you say ‘because I’m unvaccinated’ again, I’ll break your arm.’
Bud: ‘Take it easy buddy.’
Lou: ‘So the mask is no good anymore.’
Bud: ‘No, it’s still good.’
Lou: ‘But I can’t come in?’
Bud: ‘Correct.’
Lou: ‘Why not?’
Bud: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’
Lou: ‘But the mask prevents the germs from getting out.’
Bud: ‘Yes, but people can still catch your germs.’
Lou: ‘But they’re all vaccinated.’
Bud: ‘Yes, but they can still get sick.’
Lou: ‘But I’m not sick!!’
Bud: ‘You can still get them sick.’
Lou: ‘So then masks don’t work!’
Bud: ‘Masks work quite well.’
Lou: ‘So how in the heck can I get vaccinated people sick if I’m not sick and masks work?’
Bud: ‘Third base.’
And...scene...
2021 Belgium Grand Prix
Lola: When four springs just aren't enough.
Also, the ending of the 2021 Daytona 400.Originally Posted by Offcamber1
For my fellow New Englanders:
Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about New Englanders...
Forget Rednecks ....
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in New England .
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in New England.
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in New England.
If Vacation means going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend, you live in New England .
If you measure distance in hours, you live in New England .
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in New England .
If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you live in New England .
If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in New England .
If you install security lights on your house and garage but leave both unlocked, you live in New England.
If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in New England .
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in New England .
If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you live in New England .
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in New England .
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you live in New England . If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you live in New England . If you find 10 degrees 'a little chilly', you live in New England .
If there's a Dunkin Donuts on every corner, you live in New England
If you think everyone else has a funny accent, you live in New England .
I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once - or twice.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
A beggar asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
My weight is perfect for my height - which varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not sure.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
The speed of time is one-second per second.
Is it possible to be totally partial?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Is it my imagination, or do Buffalo wings taste like chicken?
I went to the Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the windshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
An 8 pointer, 4 pointer and a button buck are standing by a field browsing on acorns.
The 8 pointer says,
'I'm happy with my 10 does, we're really getting along.'
The 4 pointer says,
'I'm happy as heck with my 5, they really take care of me!'
The Button buck says,
'My two are all right, better than nothing I guess.'
Then all of a sudden a GIANT 14 pointer walks out into the field.
The three bucks had never seen anything like him before, they were in awe.
The big buck made a huge scrape and pissed in it, rubbed a tree the size of a telephone pole and snapped it off at the ground!
The three bucks looked on in amazement.
The 8 pointer says,
'I could probably get by with 4 does...........
Who really needs 10 anyway?'
The 4 pointer says,
'You know.............. come to think of it, I only really use one or two of mine!'
The button buck was silent, as the other two bucks look over to him in confusion.
Suddenly the Button buck runs out into the middle of the field!
He rips and tears up some grass........
pisses all over the place,
snorts & wheezes,
rubs his head raw on a tree,
and chews a lickin branch clean off!
Then he runs back over to his buddies.
His friends immediately ask him,
'What the heck are you doing!?'
I'm just makin' sure that big son of a gun knows I'm a buck!'
Definitions that you or may not find in your standard dictionary:
- Abdicate: v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
- Arbitrator: n. A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
- Avoidable: v. What a bullfighter tries to do.
- Balderdash: n. A rapidly receding hairline.
- Baloney: n. Where some hemlines fall.
- Barium: n. What doctors recommend when their patients die.
- Bernadette: n. The act of torching a mortgage.
- Burglarize: n. What a crook sees with.
- Coffee: n. The person upon whom one coughs.
- Congress: n. The antonym of progress.
- Counterfeiters: npl. Workers who install kitchen cabinets.
- Eclipse: v. What an Cockney barber does for a living.
- Esplanade: v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
- Eyedropper: n. A clumsy ophthalmologist.
- Flatulence: n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
- Heroes: npl. What a guy in a boat does.
- Lymph: v. To walk with a lisp.
- Misty: v. How golfers create Divots.
- Node: v. Past tense of knew.
- Paradox: npl. Two physicians.
- Parasites: npl. What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
- Pelvis: n. Elvis's second cousin.
- Pharmacist: n. A farm hand.
- Pokemon: n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
- Polarize: v. What penguins see with.
- Relief: v. What trees do in the spring.
- Rubberneck: vp. What you do to relax your wife.
- Sudafed: v. Brought a suit against a government official.
- Testicle: n. A short quiz.
For you golfers
A NUN ON THE GOLF COURSE
A nun walked into Mother Superior's office and plunked down into a chair. She let out a sigh, heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to God."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother. A 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I ever made....it was flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hit a bird in mid-flight, not 100 yards off the tee!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel ran out of the woods, grabbed my ball and ran off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother Superior.
"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "I was so proud of myself! While I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swooped down, grabbed the squirrel and flew off, with my ball still clutched in the squirrel's paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "....as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right on the green. The ball popped out of the squirrel's paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat abruptly back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..."You missed the ****ing putt, didn't you?"
One Sunday, when counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000.
It happened again the next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
“Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.
“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church.”
The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this.. How much does he send you”
The elderly woman answered, “$10,000 a week.”
The pastor was amazed. “Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living”
“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.
“That’s an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money,” the pastor said. “Where does he practice”
The woman answered proudly, “In Nevada. He has two cathouses – one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.”
As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost…
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So, I went to a psychiatrist and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
He suggested, "Just put yourself in my hands for one year. Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?" I inquired.
"One hundred fifty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it," I said.
Six months later I met him on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" He asked.
"Well," I replied, " at $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, the total comes to $23,400.00. A bartender cured me for only $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I bought a new pickup truck."
"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude he said, “And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Nobody is under there now!”
A Newfoundland farmer named Angus had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus.
'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Angus said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '
The solicitor interrupted again and said ,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus' answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side.
I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'
'Now wot da heck would you say?
GETTING A HAIR DRYER THROUGH CUSTOMS
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course, child. What can I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her
birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits
and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you
could carry it through customs for me? Could you possibly
hide it under your robes for me?'
'I would love to help you my dear but, I must warn you, I
will not tell a lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, I'm sure that no one will
question you.'
When they got to customs, she let the priest go first.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to
declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing
to declare.'
The official thought this answer a little strange, so he
asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist
to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument that has been designed
for use on women, but which, to date, remains unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead,
Father. Next please!'
Apologies if already posted.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXMD7ktUJZY
John Nesbitt
ex-Swift DB-1
Prairie Home Companion helped me understand living 40 years with a midwest raised Swede .
“Racing makes heroin addiction look like a vague wish for something salty.” -Peter Egan
Stolen from another board:
One of my cousins plays trombone for a small city orchestra with a mediocre conductor. He described some of their troubles. The conductor has been having difficulty with the basses; they are the least professional of his musicians.
On the last performance of the season, Beethoven's 9th Symphony, extra effort was required from the basses at the end. Earlier that evening, the conductor found the basses celebrating one of their birthdays by passing a bottle around.
Near the end of the performance, as he was about to cue the basses, he knocked over his music stand. The sheet music scattered.
As he stood in front of his orchestra, things had really gotten critical; it was the bottom of the 9th, no score and the basses were loaded.
Very pun worthy
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
In democracy your vote counts.
In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, You get repossessed.
With her marriage,
She got a new name and a dress.
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
We all need a laugh. Hope this one does it
Guts vs Balls Defined
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've heard colleagues referring to people with Guts or with Balls. Do they, however, know the difference between them?
Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.
GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby"
This clears up any confusion.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal.
Yea, that did it
People ask me what is the secret to a good marriage?
I tell them - sleeping around.
Sometimes I sleep in a chair, sometimes in the guest room, sometimes in the car…….
ChrisZ
A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the string and says "We can't serve you here, are you a string?", the strings messes up his hair and says "I'm a frayed knot."
Little girl age 4 is talking to her mom. She asks her mom " when you had me did you want a girl or boy?"
Mom thinks about it for a moment and answer's " Honey all I wanted is a back rub"
Did you hear that Tom Hoke, the composer of the famous "Hokey Pokey" song, died a few years ago?
There was some trouble at the funeral home. You see, after they finished the embalming process, they were working on getting him into the coffin. They put his left foot in...
What do you call a Cow with "no legs"?
Ground Beef.
What do you call a man on your porch with no arms and no legs?
-Matt
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your wall?
-Art
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in your bushes?
-Russel
What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
-Ilene
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in your pool?
-Bob
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs under a car?
-Jack
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs water skiing?
-Skip
What do you call a bunch of stupid people standing in an orchard, drinking diet cola, and singing?
- The moron Tab and apple choir.
Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall ....
He was a terrible King but he made a great ruler ....
My coworkers laugh at my jokes in in-person meetings, but never in online meetings ...
When I asked them why, they said that my jokes weren't remotely funny ....
A man who walks thru the international airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok.
I have a friend who lost 3 fingers on his right hand in a terrible accident. He went to the doctor and asked, "will I ever be able to write again?" The doctor looked at him for a moment then replied, "maybe....but I wouldn't count on it."
Doctor just gave a guy a terminal diagnosis
"Is there anything I can do?"
doc, "well, maybe check into a spa and get some mudbaths..."
"COOL ! , and that'll help?"
doc, "Nah, but you might get accustomed to being covered with dirt."
Richard, please delete that last joke. We don't want any dirty jokes here.
It's WWII. A German general and an Italian general are getting ready to launch a joint offensive. The German general shows up wearing a bright red jacket. The Italian general says: "Hey Fritz, watta da hella you doing? You gonna stick out like a sore thumb and getta you butt shot off".
The German general replies: "Ya. Vell I wear der red jacket so in the event I am shot mein troops vill not see the blood and vill remain brave".
The Italian general responds: "That is a great idea. Luigi, get me my brown pants."
Last edited by R. Pare; 06.19.22 at 3:04 PM.
A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.
The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone’s amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
“No, what?”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole!”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy, “he eats everything in sight, don’t worry, I’ll pay for the cue ball.”
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left.
Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him.
He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.
The monkey found a cherry on the bar.
He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and ate it.
The bartender asked, “Did you see what that filthy ape just did?”
“No, what?” asked the man.
“Well, he stuck both a cherry and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled them out and ate them.”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy.
“He’ll eat anything, but ever since he had to sh!t out that cue ball, he measures everything first.”
A drunk guy took a cat home to his wife and said, "See... here is the monkey of the jungle."
His wife, laughing, said, "That's a CAT ..."
He said back to his wife, "I am talking to the cat!"
Supposedly a Paul Newman story
Only women of a certain era will fully appreciate this.... True story.
A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small New England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited.
One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone.
She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor. There was only one other patron in the store: Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.
The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously and the star struck woman smiled demurely. Pull yourself together! She chides herself. You're a happily married woman with three children, you're forty-five years old, not a teenager!
The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction.
When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store? Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something! No ice cream cone was in sight.
With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman. His face broke into his familiar, warm, friendly grin and he said to the woman:
"You put it in your purse."
More please
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