More bad jokes

[R. Pare]

.

[R. Pare]

Australian Bricklayer's Accident Report



Dear Sir,


I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form I submitted.

I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.

Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.

This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this explanation answers your request.

Thank You.

[R. Pare]

I was in the elevator when she got in.

I was casually staring at her boobs when she said,

"Could you press one for me please”.

So I did... and I don't remember much afterwards, but I'm guessing it was the wrong one.

[R. Pare]

Hi Fred, this is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.

The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you.

I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much.

I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won't happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.

Regards, Alan.

THE RESPONSE

Fred, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbour dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.

He took out his phone where he saw he had a second message from his neighbor:

THE SECOND MESSAGE

Hi Fred, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out anyway, and that you noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed "wi-fi" to "wife" That's that technology for you, hey?

Regards, Alan

[R. Pare]

[R. Pare]

Sex and Good English!


On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man slowly produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, "This is a powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say 1-2-3. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was very delighted. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working after I'm satisfied?"

"Your partner must say 1-2-3-4," he responded. "And when she says that, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked. So he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and
then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3"... immediately, he was the most masculine of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition... because we could end up with a dangling participle.

[R. Pare]

A young New Jersey woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her."You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to France tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to France, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food every day and I get a free trip to France."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience then got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry!"

[R. Pare]

MEDICAL LAUGHTER

1. A man comes into the ER and yells.....'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.’ I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
- Submitted by Dr. Mike MacDonald, San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,’ I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,’ replied the patient.
- Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
- Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?’ I asked.
'The patch. The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
- Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion, she answered, 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
- Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked, 'So how's your breakfast this morning?’
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
- Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .'Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'
- Submitted by RN, no name

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said.....'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?’
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard, 'No doctor but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'
- Dr. - wouldn't submit his name....

9. Baby's First Doctor Visit
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. When he arrived, the doctor examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'

[R. Pare]

[BorkRacing]

Redneck Family Tree


Many many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter
who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
and soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa.

When I did my residency in a Pittsburgh Hospital, a family from West Virginia came in where the husband had divorced his wife and married his mother-in-law and had kids with both wives. They were exactly as this poem! We worked out the entire family tree on a dry erase board...

[EYERACE]

While hiking through the U. S. National Forest in Ocala, Florida this past weekend I happened across a Port-a-Potty with a sign on the door that read:


Masks are required in all Federal Buildings

[R. Pare]

I made the mistake of telling my husband an early symptom of COVID is loss of smell.

He's taken to passing gas in my vicinity then when I react, informing me he is helpfully "performing a health check".

He taught the children the technique. I may divorce him.

[R. Pare]

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Abe, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant.

Sid asks Abe, “Do you know if any people of our ancestry were ever born and raised in Mexico?"

Abe replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."

When the waiter arrives, Abe asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"

The waiter says, "I don't know senor, I ask the cooks.”

He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, "No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews."
Abe isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies, "I check once again, senor," and goes back into the kitchen.

While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere!"

The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook Manuel, he say there is no Mexican Jews."

"Are you certain?" Abe asks again. "I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"

"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter.

"All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Apple Jews, but no Mexican Jews."

[R. Pare]

Red Buttons, appearing on a late night Show, announced he was 80 years old but that 80 is not "old." Red explained:

"OLD" is when..... your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

"OLD" is when..... your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" is when..... a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" is when..... going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" is when..... you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" is when..... you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" is when..... "getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" is when..... "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" is when..... an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!

"OLD" is when..... your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.

"OLD" is when..... a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.

"OLD" is when..... you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

And OLD' IS WHEN...You are not sure these are jokes?

[Jim Edmonds]

Hmmm . . . . about five decades ago I used to say that old age begins when you can't eat a whole large pepperoni pizza and drink a pitcher of beer without gaining weight.

YMMV

[R. Pare]

Mrs. Barberio comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the evening, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. While watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son
Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:
Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mama

[R. Pare]

Medical College Professor to a girl student : "Which human body part expands 5 times its normal size...?"

Girl Student : "Sir I can't answer this question, it's too embarrassing...

Professor asked the same question to a male student.

Male Student : "It's the Pupil of a human eye..."????

Professor : "Correct."

Then Professor turned to the female and said: "Listen lady , not only your thinking is wrong but your expectations are also very high...

5 times is too much...!!! "

[R. Pare]

Ahhh... The English language is so versitile, that the same words can have different meanings:

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words "COMPLETE and FINISHED".

Some people say there's no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED, but there is:

When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE!

When you marry the wrong woman you are FINISHED!

And when your wife catches you with another woman, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!

And if you marry a woman who likes shopping so much, you are FINISHED COMPLETELY.

[R. Pare]

HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????


These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[R. Pare]

• CREATION EXPLAINED - HOW IT REALLY HAPPENED
  
  
  1. In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the
  Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and
  red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would livelong and healthy lives.
  
  2. Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream
  and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate
  with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it,
  add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
  
  3. And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that
  Man found so fair.
  And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and
  combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
  
  
  4. So God said, "Try my fresh green salad."
  
  And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast
  on the side . And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
  
  5. God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil
  in which to cook them.
  And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed
  its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through
  the roof.
  
  6. God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake" and
  said, "It is good."
  Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
  
  7 . God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose
  those extra pounds.
  And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to
  toil changing the channels. And Man and Womanlaughed and cried before the
  flickering blue light and gained pounds.
  
  8 . Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming
  with nutrition.
  And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips
  and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
  
  
  9 . God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and
  still satisfy his appetite.
• And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double
  cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man
  replied, "Yes! And super-size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went
  into cardiac arrest.
  
  
  10 . God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
  
  11. Then Satan created the Health Care System.
  
  
  
  Amen.

[R. Pare]

[ExKartracer]

I have been missing these!!!!!

[R. Pare]

Medical experts in Melbourne today were asked if it is time to ease the COVID lockdowns.

Allergists were in favour of scratching it, but Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought
the government had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception,
while Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Many Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while Pediatricians said, "Oh,
grow up!"

Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while Radiologists could
see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and Pharmacists
claimed it would be a bitter pill to swallow.

Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on
the matter."

Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but Urologists were pissed off by the
whole idea.

Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, and Cardiologists didn't have
the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in politics.

[R. Pare]

[R. Pare]

[R. Pare]

[R. Pare]

[R. Pare]

[R. Pare]

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco the Wonder Dog, who weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What, did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me,

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

[R. Pare]

Two Children Were Waiting In The Doctor’s Waiting Room.

The Girl Started to cry

The Boy Asked Her: "Why Are You Crying?”

The Girl Said: “I’m Here For Blood Test , the doctor will be going to Cut My Finger”

The Boy cried as well.

Girl: “ Why Are You Crying?”

Boy: “I’m Here For The Urine Test“.

[R. Pare]

A dude wakes up early in the morning, ready to go fishing. Gets outside. The weather is god awful - freezing rain. "To **** with it" thinks the dude and slips back into bed.

Wife : How is the weather?

Dude: Horrible.

Wife: And my idiot went fishing!

[R. Pare]

[BeerBudgetRacing]

They loot from you !

[Kazis31]

not hijacking the tread ,but it is damn funny.
https://www.facebook.com/fred.kalkhu...2639956940140/

[R. Pare]

You aren't hijacking it - the thread is for anybody to post good bad jokes.

[R. Pare]

[R. Pare]

There seems to be something similar between these 2 pictures.....

[R. Pare]

[R. Pare]

[R. Pare]