More bad jokes

[R. Pare]

This year I've had loads of requests for my vodka Christmas cake recipe so once again, here goes. Please keep it in your files as I'm beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!
(Made mine this morning).

1 cup sugar
Half pound butter
1tsp baking powder
1 cup water
1tsp salt
1cup brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1....bottle vodka, large
2 cups dried fruit
4 cups self raising flour

Sample a cup of vodka to check quality.

Take a large bowl, check the vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality, then repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.

Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again
At this point, it's best to make sure the vodka is still Ok

Try another cup just in case

Turn off the mixer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the fruit off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver
Sample the vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the vodka. Now sshift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table
Add a spoon of sugar or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over

Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the feckin window. Finish of the vodka and wipe the counter with the cat.

[Lynn]

It should work well with bourbon or rum instead of vodka. Maybe, even betterer.

[BeerBudgetRacing]

This year I've had loads of requests for my vodka Christmas cake recipe so once again, here goes.

It should work well with bourbon or rum instead of vodka. Maybe, even betterer.

My wife is English and we make an English Christmas cake every year - made it 3 weeks ago.
The recipe is similar. My job is to test the fruit (raisins, currents, sultans) seeping in Brandy or Cognac.
It takes 1 bottle over 3-4 days. Testing is crucial.

[Dave Gomberg]

DOWN THE DRAIN
(The twelve bottles of whisky)

I had twelve bottles of whisky in my cellar...
and my wife told me to empty the contents
of each and every bottle down the sink...
or else!
So, I said I would... and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and
poured the contents down the sink, with the
exception of one glass... which I drank.

I extracted the cork from the second bottle
and did likewise with the exception of one
glass... which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the third bottle and
poured the whiskey down the sink, with the
exception of one glass... which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the fourth sink
and poured the bottle down the glass...
which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next
and drank one sink out of it and threw the
rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and
poured the cork from the bottle.
Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled
the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied I steadied
the house with one hand, counted the bottles,
corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which
were twenty-nine.
To make sure I counted them again... they came to seventy-four.

And as the house came by, I counted them again,
and finally I had all the houses and bottles and
corks and sinks and glasses counted,
except one house and one cork... which l drank.

[R. Pare]

Because of all the live sports competitions cancelled, it’s been announced that the World Origami Championships will be televised in December.

It’s on PaperView.

[R. Pare]

Do you know how to make a hormone?

Refuse to pay her.

[R. Pare]

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'


3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.


4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'


6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'


7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'

'Is it common?'

Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'


8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'

'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.

'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.


9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.


10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.


11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.


13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.


14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'


16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.

'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.

'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'


18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'


19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


20. There was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.



I didn’t think the chiropractor would improve my posture.

But I stand corrected.



I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price.

She called me a cheap skate.



Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them.

It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.



I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery.

She was in charge of the hops.



My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce.

I found out she was seeing someone on the side.



My wife claims I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met.

I’m not buying it.



Did you know that a raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow only has 16.

The difference between a raven and a crow is just a matter of a pinion.



I told my carpenter I didn’t want carpeted steps.

He gave me a blank stair.



What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision?

Suture self.

[R. Pare]

[R. Pare]

My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start, but I made it!

If a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be...
There's no need to remind her every half hour

I asked my phone, "Siri, why am I so bad with women?"
She said, "I'm Alexa you moron."

I think weekends are made in China.
They don't last long.

Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one.

If a fire-fighter's business can go up in smoke, and a plumber's business can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?

I arranged a threesome on the weekend.
Had two no shows, but I still had fun.

One thing I have noticed over the last few months is that I’m sick only on weekdays.
It must be my weekend immune system.

Every weekend I tell myself "John, you gotta quit drinking man"
Good thing my name's not John..

Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your bottom say "stop"?
Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said "don't stop".

What do you call a dumb brunette? A dirty blonde.

FRIDAY is my second favorite F word.

[R. Pare]

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive...
It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

Two wrongs don't make a right, take your parents as an example.

What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? "Where on Earth have you been?!"

I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

Your family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a prick.

I liked beer so much that my family didn't know I drank until they saw me sober!

Welcome to Twitter - if you are not already following a mom who drinks wine one will be assigned to you.

I asked dad for his best dad joke, he said you.

A mother makes her son intelligent in 20 years, but a woman can make him stupid in 30 seconds.

I'll never forget my grandpa's final words, "stop shaking the ladder you little fart."

Doctor: "Well, it looks like you're pregnant."
Woman: "Oh my God, I'm pregnant?!"
Doctor: "No, it just looks like you are."

[R. Pare]

This week in history


Do you know what happened this week back in 1850? California became a state.

The state had no electricity. No money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets.

So it was just like California today, only the women had real breasts.

[R. Pare]

Redneck Family Tree


Many many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter
who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
and soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa.

[R. Pare]

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.




To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.




Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.




The older I get, the earlier it gets late.




When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.




I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.




I had my patience tested. I'm negative.




If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

[R. Pare]

This is the answering machine message the Pacific Palisades High School
(California) Staff voted to record on their school telephone answering
system.

Too bad they can't actually use it...

This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and
parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing
homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want
their children's failing grades changed to passing grades even though thosechildren were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not
complete enough school work to pass their classes.

This was voted unanimously by the office staff as the actual answering
machine message for the school :

"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.
In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please
listen to all your options before making a selection"

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your
news letter and several flyers mailed to you -Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be
accountable and responsible for his/ her own behavior, class work,
homework, and that it's not the teachers' fault for your children's lack
of effort...

Hang up and have a nice day!"

[R. Pare]

Gifts for Guys

Its coming around to the Holiday season and as usual millions of ladies are stumped trying to choose what to buy that special man in your life.

HERE ARE SOME RULES TO HELP:

Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. "By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years.

Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink. You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12: Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our boy scout origins, . Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

[R. Pare]

Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for
something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees". The cannibals
promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very
hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our custodians has
disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool ! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the custodian!"

[R. Pare]

Holiday Strategy


An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York says, "I hate to
ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?!," the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the old man says.
"We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about
this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like
heck they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are
NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm
calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"

And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "They're coming
for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

[Bardahl77]

How can you tell when a NASCAR fan is watching a Formula One race?
When he taps you on the shoulder and asks "Are we watching qualifying?"

What’s the hardest part about drag racing?
Running in heels.

I took the shell off my racing snail to see if it would make it go any faster
It just made it more sluggish.

Did you know that Vlad the Impaler was a very successful racing instructor?
He brought thousands into the pole position.

I was in a bar the other day when a girl asked me, "What do you do?"
I said, "I race cars."
She asked, "Do you win many races?"
I said, "No, the cars are much faster."

[Lynn]

"Last night I went street racing. The street won."

Oscar Kovelesky.

Anyone else remember Oscar's stories in Road and Track when he was racing Can-Am? Like the one when he broke his knee putting on his helmet? Or the one where they were trying to get the McLaren out of the semi trailer after leaving the ramps at the shop?

[Bardahl77]

.
Anyone else remember Oscar's stories in Road and Track when he was racing Can-Am? Like the one when he broke his knee putting on his helmet? Or the one where they were trying to get the McLaren out of the semi trailer after leaving the ramps at the shop?

I remember the PRDA, but I was more of a Bolus & Snopes fan.

[billtebbutt]

What do you call an alligator in a sweater vest?

An investigator.....

bt

[DanW]

I remember the PRDA, but I was more of a Bolus & Snopes fan.

Somewhere I have a bumper sticker that says "Bolus and Snopes are Goodness and Nice"

[FVRacer21]

Did you know who introduced the Christmas Wreath to America?

It was Benjamin Franklin.

What - you never heard of a Wreath of Franklin?

My wife did not think it was funny, but I think it is historical.

my tribute to Norm Crosby (RIP)

ChrisZ

[R. Pare]

[R. Pare]

[R. Pare]

[R. Pare]

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress....But then I repeat myself.
-Mark Twain

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-Mark Twain (1866)

Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
-Unknown

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-Ronald Reagan

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-Mark Twain

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-Herbert Spencer

There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress.
-Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-Edward Langley

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson

[R. Pare]

[R. Pare]

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's the last thing I remember…..

[R. Pare]

SOME GOLDEN OLDIES

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. 'Phone answering machine message - " . . . If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week . . . and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. A man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. The Doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. "'Doctor, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down". "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

14. A man goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Now don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat guys in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat *******!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.


21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go to those places anymore"

[R. Pare]

Do not vaccinate health care workers first. If it fails, we are all in trouble.

Vaccinate politicians first. if we lose a few of them it won't matter.

[R. Pare]

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple.

I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples.
I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents.
I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

[Lynn]

If the young man had been able to keep doubling his money each day for a month, he would have had $53,687,091.20.

[R. Pare]

Mike and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they carefully watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

Mike asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

Mike looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Mike..
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Mike. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

Mike looked around and nervously asked Yvonne 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?'

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

'No gym to work out at?' said Mike

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again'

Mike glared at Yvonne and said,
"You and your **** stupid Bran Flakes. We could have been here years ago!"

[R. Pare]

Determining food freshness....................


Eggs. When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

Dairy Products. Milk is spoiled when it looks like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway, and can't get more spoiled than it already is.

Meat. If opening the refrigerator causes stray animals to congregate outside your kitchen door, the meat is spoiled.

Lettuce. This is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet.

Carrots. A carrot that you can tie in a clove hitch is not fresh.

Chinese Food. If the carton must be cut away to remove the contents, suspect them.

Potatoes. Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense leafy undergrowth.

Canned Goods. Any canned good that has become the shape or size of a basketball should be removed from the premises. Wear a helmet.

Mayonnaise. If eating it makes you violently ill, mayonnaise is spoiled.

Artichokes. Discard these when the points have become as tightly furled as porcupine quills.

Rule of Thumb. Most food cannot be kept longer than the average lifespan of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.

[billtebbutt]

If the young man had been able to keep doubling his money each day for a month, he would have had $53,687,091.20.

Exactly! One of the great ways to teach kids the power of compound interest!.

"You have 2 choices. One, I give you $100,000 today, February the 1st. Or two, i give you a penny today, twice that amount the next day, twice that amount the next, etc for the entire month of February. Which option would you prefer?"

Make them write the math out by hand, and watch their faces as they do it!

cheers,
BT

[TimH]

Exactly! One of the great ways to teach kids the power of compound interest!.
"You have 2 choices. One, I give you $100,000 today, February the 1st. Or two, i give you a penny today, twice that amount the next day, twice that amount the next, etc for the entire month of February. Which option would you prefer?"
Make them write the math out by hand, and watch their faces as they do it!

Thread hijack:

Don't ya just hate it when somebody says "It's growing exponentially" when they mean incrementally. Most recently a USC ER doc on TV who should know better, talking about Covid.

[R. Pare]

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, "No, but I do fart a lot."

[R. Pare]

POSITIVE ATTITUDE..........................

LATE IN THE NIGHT.

HE FINALLY REGAINED CONSCIOUSNESS. HE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL, in terrible pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him.

He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable:

"YOU MAY NOT FEEL ANYTHING FROM THE WAIST DOWN."

SOMEHOW HE MANAGED TO MUMBLE IN REPLY

"CAN I FEEL YOUR BOOBS, THEN?"



AND THAT, MY FRIEND, IS A POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE

[R. Pare]

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.