More bad jokes

[R. Pare]

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me."

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. "She's finally gone...yeah I know, it is about time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. Love you... can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."

He hung up, grabbed his keys, and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes. She grabbed the note to see what he wrote.

"I can see your feet. We're outta bread; be back in five minutes."

[R. Pare]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North DAKOTA. He shot a bird, but it fell into farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New York and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North DAKOTA. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

[R. Pare]

Back in the 1960s a man named Joe Pine hosted a TV talk show. Pine's style was to be very abrasive and he provoked his guests (mostly exposure-hungry entertainers, would-be celebs, and the like) hoping to fluster them into embarrassing admissions, and generally to make them look foolish. He introduced the guest and immediately attacked the guest's beliefs, talent or appearance.

Some people claimed that Pine's acid personal style was the result of a leg amputation, which had left him embittered to life; others said it was just his nature.

One evening, rock musician Frank Zappa was the guest. At this time in the 60s, very long hair on men was still unusual and controversial. As soon as Zappa was introduced and seated, the following exchange took place:

Pine: I guess your long hair makes you a girl.
Zappa: I guess your wooden leg makes you a table.

[R. Pare]

Oh well, the picture won't post!

[R. Pare]

As it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any one racial or ethnic minority, try this one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Filipino, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a Nightclub.



The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

[tlracer]

During the enforced Coronavirus lockdown, I thought of a way to lift my partner's spirits. I purchased a map of the world and pinned it up on the kitchen wall.

When she got home, I gave her a dart and said "Throw this. Wherever it lands I'm taking you for a holiday when it's all over."

Turns out we're spending 3 weeks behind the refrigerator...

[FVRacer21]

[QUOTE=R. Pare;611185]A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North DAKOTA. He shot a bird, but it fell into farmer's field on the other side of a fence..............

/QUOTE]

If you want to see it told live:

https://youtu.be/aww4HT5g7ig

ChrisZ

[R. Pare]

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked
"Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they are stabbing it?"
I replied "No".
A few seconds later she responded "How about now?"

[R. Pare]

A wise man once said... Nothing, he only listened.


Told my girlfriend that my mom is deaf, so speak loud and slow.
Told my mom that my girlfriend is retarded...


If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on earth.


What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? Artificial intelligence.


I went on a date with a blonde woman last night. "Do you have any kids?" she asked.
"Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two."
She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."


English is weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.


A mother makes her son intelligent in 20 years, but a woman can make him stupid in 30 seconds.

[R. Pare]

asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes -
about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled.
She said, "All kids smell that way."

My wife said If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was
probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.

My wife thinks the Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

[R. Pare]

Why Italian Grandfathers Pass Their Handguns Down Through The Family:

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside.

“Elio, I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me.”

“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?”

“You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be running da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife,
lotsa money, a bigga home and maybe a couple of bambinos.”

“Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.

Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘”Time’s Up ?”

[R. Pare]

Why do cows have bells?

‘Cause their horns don’t work.

[R. Pare]

There's a new expensive recipe for car guys who love sea food.

It's called Shrimp Lamborghini.

[R. Pare]

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"

[R. Pare]

How can you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, how could you treat them?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Did Adam and Eve have navels?

Does anyone ever vanish with a trace?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?

If a mute child swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

Why are we afraid of falling? Shouldn't we be afraid of the sudden stop?

Why do airlines call flights nonstop? Don't they all stop eventually?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

[R. Pare]

A friend of mine had just seen a documentary about Chernobyl. He grew up in Ukraine in the 1980s and was able to count at least eight historical inaccuracies on one hand.

[R. Pare]

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

[R. Pare]

[R. Pare]

Well, maybe if the road is flat and straight enough...


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vnFbW9gg6ts

[R. Pare]

It was mailman George's last day on the job after 35 years of delivering the mail through all kinds of weather. When he arrived at the first house on his route, the whole family came out, roundly congratulated him, and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the next house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he'd had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this is just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.'"

"Breakfast was my idea."

[R. Pare]

What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing Taxi.

Deodorant? No, I've never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes.

What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler.

Two cheese trucks ran into each other. De brie was everywhere.

If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome... I'd have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.

The new iPhone X has facial recognition. Some of you all ladies are gonna be locked out after you wash your face off.

Eyelashes are supposed to prevent things from getting into your eyes but when I do have something in my eye it's always an eyelash. Eyeronic.

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this chit ..."

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

Isn't it weird how when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.

I called a suicide hotline in Afghanistan. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck. Edit: Wow, can't believe this blew up.

[R. Pare]

Patrons of a bar mourned the passing of the bar's mutt, Spot. They cut off his tail and framed it as a memorial.
Spot was about to enter heaven when St. Peter stopped him. "Heaven's a place of perfection," said the saint. "You deserve to enter but not without your tail. Go back and retrieve it."

In the middle of the night Spot scratched on the door of the bar.

"It's the spirit of our dear Spot!" exclaimed the bartender. "What can I do for you?"

Spot said he needed his tail to enter heaven.

"Sorry," the barkeep replied, "but my liquor license doesn't allow me to retail spirits after hours."

[R. Pare]

Indian chief, ‘Two Eagles’, was asked by a white U.S. government official, “You have observed the white man for 90 years. You’ve seen his progress and the damage he’s done.”

The chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, “Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?”

The Chief stared at the official then replied, “When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine Man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.”

Then the Chief leaned back and smiled, “Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.”

[R. Pare]

Old Age & Pandemic Humor



“The devil whispered to me, ‘I’m coming for you.’ I whispered back, ‘Bring pizza.’”



Me: (sobbing, my eyes swollen, my nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am not going to let you hurt me like this ever again.” Trainer: “It was a sit up. You did one sit up.”



“Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.”



“When I was a kid, I wanted to be older. This is definitely not what I expected.”



“Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter, either.”

“Chocolate is God’s way of telling us He likes us a little bit chubby.”



“It’s probably my age that fools people into thinking I’m an adult.”



“Marriage counselor: ‘Your wife tells me you never buy her flowers. Is that true?’
Husband: ‘To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.’”



“We can all agree that in 2015 not a single person got the answer correct to ‘Where do you see yourself five years from now?’”



“So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?”



“If you can’t think of a word, say ‘I forget the English word for it.’ That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of just dumb.”



“This is the day dogs have been dreaming about all their lives. They realize their owners are stuck at home with them. The dogs couldn’t be happier. Cats are all contemplating suicide.”

[R. Pare]

A vegan once said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"

So I replied: the people who sell vegetables are grocer.

[R. Pare]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"


"She just died and left me everything."

[R. Pare]

A while ago a new supermarket opened in Chatswood, Sydney, Australia.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is the scent of freshly mowed hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and cackling, and the air is filled
with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.


I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

[R. Pare]

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at the weekend a strange lady came around."
"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear."

"Well," says the little girl, "Daddy told me to stay downstairs while they went upstairs, but I
followed them without Daddy seeing me, and I saw them hugging and kissing at the top of the
stairs. Then they went into your bedroom and shut the door, but I went up and looked through the keyhole."

"Clever girl," purrs Mummy. "What could you see through the keyhole?"

"I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and then they started to take each other's clothes off, and they carried on until they had nothing on,
and then the lady got on the bed and Daddy got on top of her."

"Yes?" says Mummy. "And then what happened?"

"Then they did what you and Uncle Jack did when Daddy was in New York last year," says the little girl confidently.

[R. Pare]

Our battleship was bound for Japan. Because of a minor infraction, a shipmate was busted one rank, fined and given extra duty for three weeks.

Looking forward to celebrating his 21st birthday on July 22, he consoled himself every night during his extra duty by reciting, "They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday."

As July 22 approached, his excitement increased. When he went to bed on July 21, he happily repeated, "They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday."

The next morning, he found out that the ship had crossed the international date line -- and it was July 23."

[EACIII]

Why did the Raven stop in the middle of the road? Because the chicken didn't make it across.

[R. Pare]

Wasn't the original version of that about a Kentucky hillbilly out foraging for his lunch?

[R. Pare]

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to_4-letter words.



A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy ."
-Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
-Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
-Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
-Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
-Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
-Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
-Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
-Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
-Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
-Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
-Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
-Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
-Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening But I'm afraid this wasn't it."
-Groucho Marx

[R. Pare]

Monday- My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the satisfaction from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Tuesday - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to throw up on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

Wednesday - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

Thursday - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan......

Friday - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called 'shampoo.' What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.,

Saturday - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call 'beer.' More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of 'allergies.' Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Sunday - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

[R. Pare]

There is a theory which states that if anybody ever discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

[R. Pare]

This happened to an Englishman visiting in France who was totally drunk.

The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking.

With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and quite a few glasses of single malt thereafter.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alco-test (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows, that under French Law, why he is going to be arrested.

The Englishman answers with humor: "No sir, I do not! But while you're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving... on the other side?"

[R. Pare]

A henpecked man got tired of his wife constantly picking on him, so he started playing poker on Friday nights with his buddies just to get some relief.

After he came home she'd start right in on him again.

After several weeks went by, he came home early one Friday night about 9:30.

His wife asked him how come he was home early. He told her, "You need to pack your bags and go to Herb's house, I lost you to him in the card game tonight."

His wife became furious and started to give him ****.

She said, "Just how could you do such a thing!?"

He replied, "It was the hardest thing I've ever done... I had to fold with four aces."

[R. Pare]

Sometimes I look at people and think "Really? That's the sperm that won?"

[R. Pare]

.

[FVRacer21]

Heard over a loudspeaker:

"Travelers are asked please do NOT notify security about any unaccompanied bags,

as you are in fact in, Luggage World."



Thank you Andy Parsons.

[Bardahl77]

Last year I took a trip on JetBlue with a dead raccoon under my arm. The flight attendant asked me if I could check it as baggage.

"No thanks," I said, "it's carrion."