More bad jokes

[R. Pare]

What's in a Name?


A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

“Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

With that the man turned to his accuser and said "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson".



I caught my daughter chewing on an electrical cable.

So I had to ground her and kept her at ohm

She's doing better currently .

And conducting herself properly





In Iran, everyone's afraid of spiders. But in Iraq-no phobia.

Have a fear of intruders sneaking into your home ? You're not alone.

I've developed a severe fear of elevators, so I'm taking steps to avoid them.

I have a huge fear of hair. I dread locks.

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it.

I'm developing a fear of German sausage. I fear the wurst.




Had my electricity cut off last night.

Boy, was I delighted!!




Wanted:

Dead batteries, free of charge




Christmas With Saint Peter

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols".






My farmer friend used his stimulus to buy baby chickens.
He got his money for nothing and his chicks for free...


Getting wiser with age...

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I had a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

Later, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

After a while I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big boobs.

[R. Pare]

Thor The Viking


Thor, the Viking God of Thunder, and his pal Odin were up in Valhalla, when suddenly Thor said to Odin, "It's been a long time now. I really need to have sex."

Odin stood and pondered for a while, before replying, "Go to Earth, O Thor, and find thyself what they call a 'lady of joy' and treat her to your manly pleasures."

And this Thor did. The next day, he came back up to see Odin, and told him of the previous night's events. "My friend," he said, grinning from ear to ear, "It was wonderful. We had passionate sex 37 times.."

"37 times!" exclaimed Odin. "That poor woman! Mere mortals cannot endure such treatment. You must go and apologize this instant!"

So Thor went back down to earth and found the aforementioned prostitute, saying. "I'm sorry about last night, but you see, I'm Thor..."

"You're Thor?" shouted the girl. "You're Thor? What about me? I'm so thor I can barely thpeak and can hardly pith!"

[R. Pare]

Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle?

One piece.




I got a part in a movie called "Cocaine"


I only have 1 line



To the guy who invented "Zero"


Thanks for nothing.

[R. Pare]

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"

[R. Pare]

WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

[R. Pare]

BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

[SEComposites]

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them.


Just trying to redress the balance.

[Bardahl77]

'Doc, I'm a mechanic I work for a racecar driver. It's utterly depressing ... I get to fix his car up, maintain it, tune it to perfection. But never -not once- have I been allowed to take it for a spin. It's crushing a depressing to think that such a wonderful thing is out there purring, but I'll never get to enjoy it. ...'


'Well sir, I think I understand just fine, my brother in law has the exact same problem.'


'Is he a mechanic too doc?'


'No, a gynecologist'

[R. Pare]

[R. Pare]

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.
Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18
hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it
again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours
left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die."
She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more
hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."
At this point the wife sits up and says,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"

[R. Pare]

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bull dog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a very nice looking
female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say 'liver' and 'cheese' in a sentence can be my topdog."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."
The Collie says, "Sorry, that's not good enough."
The Bull dog says, "I'll have some liver and cheese, please."
She says, "Sorry, that's not creative enough."
Finally the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone......cheese mine."

[R. Pare]

The monk's secret sound:


A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.


As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.



The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We cannot tell you. You are not a monk.” Distraught, the man is forced to leave.


Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We cannot tell you. You are not a monk."


The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk.” The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk.”


The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for. By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception.”


The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."


The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.


The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he was given keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.


Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."


The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open.


Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound.

.....................



But, of course, I cannot tell you what it is.

You are not a monk.

[R. Pare]

An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble. When you rearrange the letters:

Dormitory .................................. Dirty Room

Evangelist................................. Evil's Agent

Desperation.............................. A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code..................... Here Come Dots

Slot Machines......................... Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity................................ Is No Amity

Mother-in-law..........................Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms........................ Alas! No More Z's

Alec Guinness......................... Genuine Class

Semolina................................... Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries......... Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point...................... I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes.................... That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two..................... Twelve plus one

Contradiction......................... Accord not in it

[bob darcey]

This one's been around, but I can still relate.

[R. Pare]

Once there was a bartender................

Once there was a bartender who claimed that he was the strongest man on earth -- that he could squeeze every drop of juice out of a lemon, and he bet $10,000 that no one could squeeze any more juice out of a lemon that he has squeezed.

People came in from all over the country, body builders, weight lifters, wrestlers, or anyone that wanted to try. But no one could squeeze any more juice out of the lemons.

Then one day a short, nerdy-looking guy walks in -- and everyone laughs at him when they hear that he is there to try to squeeze a lemon.

So the bartender squeezes a lemon into a cup and hands him what is left over.

Then the guy squeezes out 6 more drops of juice, and everyone is amazed!

"What do you do for a living?" they would ask. "Are you a weight lifter, a body builder?"

"No", he replied. "I work for the IRS."

[R. Pare]

So you want to invest in stock market ?

Short selling, which is when you borrow stock that you don't own, and sell it, hoping that it will go down so that you can buy it back at a profit.
This is legal, but pot smoking isn't?"


"Stocks are at all-time highs. I don't have any money in the stock market. I don't have the stomach for the ups and downs.
So about 20 years ago I put all of my money and liquid assets into videotape rewind machines."


"The CEO of Starbucks sent the message to Starbucks employees yesterday, instructing them to be sensitive to customers who might be feeling stressed out about the market. I like that the place that charges $5 for a cup of coffee is concerned about our finances."


"Well, a lot of Wall Street experts are saying there are incredible bargains right now in the stock markets. This is a good time to buy. Oh, it's a great time to buy, yeah. Like kind of after a huge car crash, there are auto parts laying all around. Same thing."


"The stock market crashed this week, but market analysts are not calling it a crash. They're calling it a 'correction.' A correction. You never hear that at NASCAR. 'Oh, we had a fiery correction on turn three. Four men are dead.'"


During this pandemic I'm buying lots of stocks.
Beef stock, chicken stock, fish stock. Soon I'm going to be a bouillon-ere!


I purchased $1000 in Bose stock today...
My accountant said it would be a sound investment.

[R. Pare]

When Hiking in bear country..............

The National Park Rangers are advising hikers in Glacier National Park and other Rocky Mountain parks to be alert for bears and take extra precautions to avoid an encounter.

They advise park visitors to wear little bells on their clothes so they make noise when hiking. The bell noise allows bears to hear them coming from a distance and not be startled by a hiker accidentally sneaking up on them. This might cause a bear to charge.

Visitors should also carry a pepper spray can just in case a bear is encountered. Spraying the pepper into the air will irritate the bear's sensitive nose and it will run away.

It is also a good idea to keep an eye out for fresh bear scat so you have an idea if bears are in the area.
People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear scat.

Black bear droppings are smaller and often contain berries, leaves, and possibly bits of fur.

Grizzly bear droppings tend to contain small bells and smell of pepper.

[R. Pare]

I was happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.

One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she can't overcome. So before I get married and commit my life to her daughter, she wants to make love to me just once..

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her twisting walk as she went up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

Lesson learned: "Always keep your condoms in your car..."

[R. Pare]

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my truck over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out and reached in the side compartment I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my trailer facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nudity to the approaching drivers.

But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my lifelike men. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody tooted their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.

He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?"
"My rig has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what the heck are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him......
"Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"

[R. Pare]

Nine Easy Steps To Wash A Cat:

1] - Put the lid of the toilet UP. Add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the toilet bowl.

2] - Pick up the cat and soothe her while you carry her towards the bathroom.

3] - In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4] - The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5] - Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash and rinse.'

6] - Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7] - Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8] - The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where she will dry herself off.

9] - Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely, Rex, The Dog

[FVRacer21]

Stole this


Old guy comes home wanting some companionship from his wife. He finds her knitting away and not in the mood.

So he goes in the other room, takes off all of his clothes except for his socks and shoes and comes out and stands in front of her.

She keeps ignoring him.

He says,:”Look, Look”.

But nothing.

Finally she says “What?” Trying to make a joke, he says “Look - it is pointing at my new shoes.”

She replies “Good, let me know when you get a new hat.”

ChrisZ

[R. Pare]

There were two old Cajuns living in the backwoods of Louisiana, Rufus Thibodaux and Clarence Boudreaux. They lived on opposite sides of the river and they hated each other.

Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other.

"Rufus!!" Clarence would shout. "You better thank yor lucky stars I cain't swim er I'd swim this river and whup your butt!!"

"Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back. "You better thank YOR lucky stars dat I cain't swim or I'd swim this river and whup your skinny butt!!!"

This happened every morning for twenty years.

One day the Army Corps of Engineers comes along and builds a bridge. Still, every morning for another five years this yelling across the river goes on.

Finally, Rufus' wife, Clotile decided she had had enough. "Rufus!" she yells one day. "I cain't take no more!! Every day for 25 years you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence. Well, there's the bridge. Have at it."

Rufus thought for a moment. He chewed his bottom lip for another moment. "Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place, "I'm gonna across dat dare bridge and I'm gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"

He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, and came to the bridge.
He stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over it, and looked up.
Then he turned tail and ran screaming back to the house. He slammed the door,
bolted the windows, and grabbed his shotgun. Panting and gasping, he dove under the bed.

"Rufus!" cried Clotile. "What happened to you? I thought you wuz gonna whup Clarence's butt."

"I was, woman, I was," he whispered, shaking all over.

"Rufus!" cried Clotile. "What in tarnation is the matter? You ain't never ran from no man before."

"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, " I went to the bridge. I stepped up on the bridge.
I walked halfway over the bridge. Then I looked up....."

"And?" asked Clotile, breathless with suspense.

"And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign that said 'Clarence: 13 feet, 6 inches'.

He ain't never looked that big from the other side of the river!"

[R. Pare]

There were two factories in New York City. One of them made maternity frocks for expectant mothers, so they were called the "Mothers Frockers".

The factory across the street made corks for wine bottles. They had to soak the corks before they could put them into the bottles, so they were called the "Cork Soakers".

One day a Cork Soaker didn't soak a cork long enough and it flew out of one of the bottles and hit one of the Mother Frockers in the eye.

That made all the Mother Frockers mad at the Cork Soakers, so they went outside and had the biggest Mother-Frocking Cork-Soaking fight you ever saw.

[R. Pare]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her 80's and never married. One afternoon the pastor came to visit, and she showed him into her sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she made tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, he noticed a glass bowl on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom. When she came back, they began to chat. He tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl and its floating condom, but he couldn't resist. "Miss Beatrice, I wonder if you would tell me about this?"

"Oh, yes, isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and it would prevent the spread of disease. I haven't had the flu all winter!"

[R. Pare]

The West Virginia Department of Transportation (WVDOT) found over 200 dead crows on I64 East near Lewisburg, this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.

A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).

The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by cars.

WVDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah! Cah!" not a single one could shout "Truck!"

[Mike Holland]

I heard a great

Coronavirus (COVID-19) joke but it may take two weeks before you get it.

What kind of jokes do you tell during quarantine? Inside jokes.

[R. Pare]

A guy was speeding down the road and got pulled over by a state trooper.

The trooper said, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going ?"

The driver looked at the trooper and said, "Do you see the woman sitting in the passenger seat ?"

The trooper said. "Yes."

"That's my wife," the driver said to the trooper,

"Do you see the woman sitting in the back seat ?"

The trooper said, "Yes."

"That's my mother in law. She lives with us. They just had a big spat and she said she was moving out. I'm trying to get them home before they make up !!!!"

The trooper wrote him a warning and then gave him an escort home with lights flashing.

[R. Pare]

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man named Shea) to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way... "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions? "

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins. And when we have enough we actually send them to the Internal Revenue Service."

"Internal Revenue Service?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue Service. And... about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

[Rick Iverson]

Tenjewberrymuds

To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. By the end, you will definitely understand just what 'tenjewberrymuds' means in this conversation. This is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service (RS): "Morrin, roon sirbees”.

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room service."

RS: "Rye... Roon sirbees... morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow july den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow july den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"

G: "Oh, the eggs. How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow july dee baykem? Crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"

G: "What?"

RS: "An toes. July sahn toes?"

G: "I don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don wan toes? Ow bow anglish moppin we bodder?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bodder?"

G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"

G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."

G: "You're very welcome."

[R. Pare]

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Get in."

[R. Pare]

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Débutante Ball. I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews Please."

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four handsome, smiling black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There
must be some mistake."

"No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."

[R. Pare]

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, no ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite alot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as **** one day and cold as **** another.

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?

Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

[Beartrax]

What do Germans call a dead battery?

A "Nein Volt"!

[R. Pare]

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says,

"Better think it over... women like that are hard to find."

[R. Pare]

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600."

The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very well. I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty priests 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Michael, you give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay at home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

[R. Pare]

Good ol' Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, “Nope, ain't Stanley .”

The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, “Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No, it ain't Stanley .”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

Gomer said, “Well, Stanley had two ass-holes.”

“What! He had two ass-holes?” asked the mortician.

“Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, There's Stanley with them two ass-holes.”

Cooter and Gomer are both now employed in the Federal administration. One in Washington as a Senator and the other works for the IRS.

[R. Pare]

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

[R. Pare]

Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft going straight down into the ground.

"Wow," said the first guy. "I wonder how deep it is?"

"I dunno," said the second.

"Let's find out." With that, he dropped a rock down the hole. They waited and waited, but didn't hear it hit bottom.

"Hmm. Let's try a bigger rock," said the first guy, and tossed a watermelon-sized stone down the hole. They waited a couple of minutes, but didn't hear it hit either. So, they looked around for something bigger to throw down and came across an old railroad tie, which they lifted together and dumped down the hole. Then suddenly, as they waited to hear it hit, a goat streaked between the two of them and jumped straight down the mineshaft.

While they stood there scratching their heads in amazement, a third guy came up the path and asked them if they'd seen a goat.

"Yeah, just now," said one of the first two guys. "It just ran up and jumped down this hole."

"Oh, well then it couldn't have been my goat," said the third guy. "My goat was tied to an old railroad tie."

[R. Pare]

I’d just told my suitcases that we aren’t going on vacation this year,

Now I'm stuck at home with some emotional baggage.

[R. Pare]

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the **** are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter". Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family... you've got to send me back right away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before". "Never" replies Brian "Well just relax and let it happen."

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting

"Brian, wake up you drunken idiot, you're crapping in the bed!".