Joke thread [WARNING: off color, read at your own risk]

[Ron Tebo]

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

[Ron Tebo]

why did the chicken cross the road? --the scientists answer

Werner Heisenberg:

(1) We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was
on, but it was moving very fast.

(2) It was uncertain if it could make it, but wanted to try on general
principles.

(3) Because the chicken is moving very fast, you can either observe the
chicken or you can measure the chicken, but you cannot do both.

(4) We could tell you how it crossed the road, but we couldn't tell you where.

Aristotle:

(1) It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
(2) The other side of the road was its natural place.
(3) To actualize its potential.

Nicolaus Copernicus:

Despite the evidence of you senses I can show that it
is mathematically simpler to describe it as the road passing under the
chicken.

Richard Feynman:

It didn't cross the road to the other side. It actually
came back to where it started but was momentarily moving backward in time.
.emit ni drawkcab gnivom yliratnemom saw tub detrats ti erehw ot kcab emac yllautca tI .edis rehot eht ot daor eht ssorc t'ndid tI :namnyeF drahciR

Jean Foucault:

It didn’t. The rotation of the earth made it appear to cross.

Buckminister Fuller:

Because we have not yet designed and implemented true,
constantly forwardly/backwardly evolving, energy-transforming living
machines which will enable us to perform all functions from the informedly
turbining hub of a single autonomous in-spiralling/out-radiating network of
space-connected information vector transforms. Had the chicken been
supplied with my Dymaxion Tensegrity Coop, it would have remained at home,
un-tempted by such risky spatial-temporal translations.

Stephen Hawking:

(1) The first seconds made the universe in such a way that
chickens cross the road.

(2) There exist numerous parallel universes in which the same chicken is in differing stages of crossing the road. Only when one of the chickens has completed crossing the road do their ave functions coallesce.

Johannes Kepler:

He crossed in an arc, not a straight line.


Isaac Newton:

1) Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.
2) It was pushed on the road.
3) It was pushed on the road by another chicken, which went away from the road.
4) It was attracted to a chicken on the other side of the road.

I have not yet found the cause of this behaviour of the chicken, based on
the phenomenons and I do not make hypotheses.

No doubt the ancients knew why the chicken crossed the road and I am
studying the bible and try to rediscover their mathematics to find out why
the chicken crossed the road.

I wrote a manuscript on chickens crossing the road a few years back. It is
in a drawer somewhere and I will send it to you as soon as I find it, dear
Halley.

Zeno of Elea:

To prove it could never reach the other side

Wolfgang Pauli:

There already was a chicken on this side of the road.

Einstein:

Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Carl Sagan:

There are billions and billions and billions of such chickens, crossing roads just like this one, all across the universe.

Hubble:

There are two possibilities: One that the distance between the chicken and the side of the road that it was on before it crossed is expanding, and the other, that the distance is contracting, and will collapse on itself.


Jacques Ives Cousteau: Zee cheecken, unaware of zee dangare beehind heem, crosses zee street. Weezout warning, zee Porsche strikes, and zee balance of zee nature ees maintained.


Q: Why did the the tachyon cross the road?
A: Because it was on the other side.


Q. Why did the quantum chicken cross the road?
A. It was already on both sides of the road!

[DaveW]

A Winter Wonderland (Apologies for the language)

December 8: 6:00 PM.
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow.

December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful. Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. l don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14:
Snow lovely snow. 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life. The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour. Which I think was very cruel.

December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white **** fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the ******* is lying.

December 23:
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24:
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been. Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.

December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation, and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her!

December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28:
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy.

December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30:
Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31:
Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8:
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

[Wee Bobby]

In the beginning there was Aristotle,
And objects at rest tended to remain at rest,
And objects in motion tended to come to rest,
And soon everything was at rest,
And God saw that it was boring.

Then God created Newton,
And objects at rest tended to remain at rest,
But objects in motion tended to remain in motion,
And energy was conserved and motion was conserved
and matter was conserved,
And God saw that it was conservative.

Then God created Einstein,
And everything was relative,
And fast things became short,
And straight things became curved,
And the universe was filled with inertial frames,
And God saw that it was relatively general,
but some of it was especially relative.

Then God created Bohr,
And there was the principle,
And the principle was quantum,
And all things were quantified,
But some things were still relative,
And God saw that it was confusing.

Then God was going to create Furgeson,
And Furguson would have unified,
And he would have fielded a theory,
And all would have been one,
But it was the seventh day,
And God rested,
And things at rest tend to remain at rest.

[Gerry Dedonis]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. "If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
**********
A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
*********

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
**********

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are you doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I'm a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"
***********
In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance came upon the great philosopher and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?"
"Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter test?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, let's take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, and you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.
__________________

[R. Pare]

Rain will ruin a golf game every time---


On Saturday morning I got up early, went into the garage and put my Golf
Clubs into the trunk of my car. Then while backing out of the garage I saw
that rain is pouring down; it is a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed
in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

I returned to the garage, came back into the house and turned the TV to the
weather channel. I find it's going to be bad weather all day long, so I
quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
I whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily
replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out playing golf in that
stuff ..."

[Ron Tebo]

A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife:
Y'know sumpin, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station.

Bell1 rings - we put on our jackets.
Bell2 rings - we slide down de pole.
Bell3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.

From now on, when I says:
"Bell one" I want you to strip naked.
When I says
"Bell two" you jump on de bed.
When I says
"Bell tree" we's gonna mek love alltru de night."

The next night he came home and shouted:

"Bell One" and she stripped naked.
"Bell Two" and she jumped on the bed.
"Bell Tree" and they started to make love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled out

"Bell Four". What de hell is
"Bell Four"? He asked.

She replied : "Roll out more hose mon", you aint nowhere near de fire."

[Ron Tebo]

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know,"says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumb founded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?

[Ron Tebo]

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

[Nik UK]

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs
are. The first man was an Engineer, the second
man was an Accountant, the third man was a
Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog.
"T-Square, do your stuff." T-square trotted
over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen
and promptly drew a circle, a square and a
triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his dog could do better.
He called his dog and said, "Pencil Pusher, do
your stuff." Pencil Pusher went out into the
kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He
divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies
each. Everyone agreed that was good.

The Chemist said his dog could do better. He
called his dog and said, "Measure, do your
stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the
fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounces
glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8
ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed
that was good. Then the three turned to the
Government Worker and said, "What can your dog
do?"

The Government Worker called to his dog and said,
"Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break
jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the
milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted
the other three dogs, claimed he injured his
back while doing so, filed a grievance report
for unsafe working conditions, put in for
Worker's Compensation and took the rest of the
day off, with pay.







Two blondes are walking down the street.

One blonde finds a little mirror, looks in it,
again, and again. Puzzled, she says to her friend,
"I just know I've seen this face before!"

"Give it to me", says the other blonde. She looks
in the mirror and says, "Of course, you silly!
It's me!!"

[Ron Tebo]

Employee Christmas Party MEMO

December 1...To All Employees
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will be held
on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of
spiked eggnog and a small band will play traditional carols...feel free
to sing-along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as
Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree.
Exchanging gifts among employees can be done at this time. Please
remember to keep gifts to the agreed $10 limit.
Merry Christmas to you and yours,
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 2...To All Employees
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday and
often coincides with Christmas . However, from
now on we're calling this party our Holiday Party. The same policy also
applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There
will be no tree or Christmas carols sung.
Happy holidays to you and yours.
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 3...To All Employees
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate
your request but please remember that if I put a sign on the table that
reads "AA Only" you won't be anonymous any more.
In addition, we'll no longer be having a gift exchange because union
members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patti Lewis, Human Resources Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 7...To All Employees
I have arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest
away from the dessert table and for pregnant members to sit closest to
the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not
have to sit with gays; each group will have its own table. And, yes,
there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table.
Happy now?
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 9...To All Employees
People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to
play Santa Claus. Even if the anagram for "Santa" does happen to be
"Satan." There is no evil connation to our own little "man in a red
suit."
Patti Lewis, Human Resources Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 10...To All Employees
Vegetarians! I've had it with you people. We're holding this party at
Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not. You can just sit
at the table farthest from the "Grill of Death" as you call it, and
you'll get salad bar only including hydroponics tomatoes. Tomatoes have
feelings too, you know. They scream when you slice them. I can hear
them now. I hope you have a rotten holiday. Drive drunk and die, you
hear me?
The Bitch from Hell
------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 14...To All Employees
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to
her at the sanitarium. In the meantime management has decided to cancel
the Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with
full pay.
Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

[Nik UK]

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or
"Boy." I call mine Sex.

Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I
went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I
told the clerk I would like to have a license for
Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one, too." Then I
said, "But this is a dog!" He said he didn't care
what she looked like. Then I said, "But you don't
understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years
old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I
took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that
I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special
room for Sex. He said every room in the place was
for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps
me awake at night!" The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before
the competition began, the dog ran away. Another
contestant asked me why I was just standing there
looking around. I told him I had planned to have
Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold
my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I
said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He called
me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to
fight custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I
had Sex before I was married." The judge said,
"Me too." Then I told him that after I was
married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours
looking around town for him. A cop came over
to me and asked, "What are you doing in this
alley at 4:00 in the morning?" I said, "I'm
looking for Sex."

My case comes up Friday.



Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs
are. The first man was an Engineer, the second
man was an Accountant, the third man was a
Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog.
"T-Square, do your stuff." T-square trotted
over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen
and promptly drew a circle, a square and a
triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his dog could do better.
He called his dog and said, "Pencil Pusher, do
your stuff." Pencil Pusher went out into the
kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He
divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies
each. Everyone agreed that was good.

The Chemist said his dog could do better. He
called his dog and said, "Measure, do your
stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the
fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounces
glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8
ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed
that was good. Then the three turned to the
Government Worker and said, "What can your dog
do?"

The Government Worker called to his dog and said,
"Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break
jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the
milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted
the other three dogs, claimed he injured his
back while doing so, filed a grievance report
for unsafe working conditions, put in for
Worker's Compensation and took the rest of the
day off, with pay.

[Ron Tebo]

1 Tsp. Sugar
1 or 2 Quarts of Rum
1 Cup Dried Fruit
Brown Sugar
1 Tsp. Soda
1 Cup Butter
2 Large Eggs
1 Cup Baking Powder
3 Juiced Lemons
1 Cup of Nuts
Before starting, sample rum to check quality. Good, isn't it? Now proceed.
Select large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc.
Check rum again. It must be just right. To be sure rum is of proper quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat.
With electric mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 seaspoon of thusar and beat again.
Meanwhile, make sure rum is still alrighty. Try another cup. Open second quart if necessary.
Add leggs, 2 cups of fried druit and beat til high. If druit gets stuck in beaters, pry loose with drewscriber.
Sample rum again, checking for tonscisticity.
Next, sift 3 cups pepper or salt (really doesn't matter).
Sample rum.
Sift 1/2 pint lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add 1 bablespoon of brown sugar-or whatever color you can find. Wix mell. Grease oven. Turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Pour mess into boven and ake.
Check run again and bo to ged.

..ADN HALPIE HOLIGLAZE TWO YA'ALL!

[Ron Tebo]

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a university graduate and an old aboriginal.

They were given a word and then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem which contained that word. The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU'.

First to recite his poem was the university graduate.

He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought.

The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited;

Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu

The aboriginal won.

[Ron Tebo]

From the Sunday, April 14, 1994 edition of the Washington Post -- a contest was held in which readers were asked to come up with excuses to miss a day of work.


If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

My stigmata's acting up.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

[JHaydon]

A trucker is driving down the road when he stops at a red light. A blonde pulls up next to him, hops out of her car, runs up to the truck and knocks on the window. He rolls the window down and the blonde says to him, Hi, I'm Heather, I was driving behind you and you're losing your load!"

The trucker thanked the woman and drove off.

A few miles later, the trucker stops at another red light. The same blonde pulls up next to him, hops out, knocks on his window, and just as if they'd never spoken, she tells him, "Hi, I'm Heather, I was driving behind you, and you're losing your load!"

The trucker smiles and nods politely before driving off.

The next red light, the blonde pulls up next to the truck again, but this time the trucker hops out and runs up to the blonde's car. She rolls down her window and he says to her...

"Hi, I'm Kevin, it's winter in Wisconsin, and I'm driving a freakin' SALT TRUCK!"

[fubar]

State trooper comes up on car swerving all over the road. Pulls next to car and sees blond in driver's seat knitting. He yells out "Pull over!" She replies "No dummy, it's a scarf!"

[JHaydon]

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. He says, "Doctor, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor says, "You're not eating properly."


The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of avian influenza ("bird flu"). If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately. 1. High fever. 2. Congestion. 3. Nausea. 4. Fatigue. 5. Aching joints. 6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield.


And one for the holidays...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents a candle, or the North Star, or something," he said. Saint Peter allowed him to pass through the pearly gates. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells, like jingle bells?" Saint Peter allowed him through the pearly gates. The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man shrugged, "They're Carol's..."

[R. Pare]

I recently gave my wife one of those "Mood Rings", and much to my surprise, it actually works as advertised.

Whenever she is in a good mood, it turns a very pretty shade of light blue.

Whenever she is a bit horny, it turns a bright deep blue.

Whenever she's angry, it makes a big bright red mark on the side of my head.

[Ron Tebo]

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts
to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking
among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.
His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big
suits doing?" One of the astronauts said that they were practicing a trip
to the moon. When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got all
excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a
message to deliver to the moon. Recognizing a promotional opportunity
when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why
certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.

The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA
official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.
The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he
refused to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo
village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed
long and loudly, but also refused to translate the elder's message to the
moon. An official government translator was summoned. After he finally
stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message:

"WATCH OUT FOR THESE *******S. THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND."

[Gerry Dedonis]

What would you do?

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your small car?
Think before you continue reading.....

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.
You could take the old friend because he once saved your life and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered, "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.
Never forget to "Think Outside the Box."

HOWEVER....the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers!!!!

...God, I just love happy endings! :>)

[R. Pare]

Dear Friends,

My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near future.

Here goes:

Last weekend I spied something at the pawn shop that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled.) I bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage
electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out - way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love
fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee. I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet
to explain to her what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet pup, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!!

Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next
is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. (Sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?)

I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY *********!!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. The dog was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
by violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-BISQUIT-EATER that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

How did they get there???

My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had
been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles?

I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round,rather large.

Miss 'em ......sure would like to get 'em back.

[Ron Tebo]

LETTERS DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER:


Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid
twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen
a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be
Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence
on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the
baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the
pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend
should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to
discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around and when
confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would
never happen again

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour
every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank
until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through
mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to
send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and
he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

[Ron Tebo]

Police warn all clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called “beer” is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.

The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large “kegs.” “Beer” is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of “beer” and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several “beers” men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking “beer” men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life’s savings in a familiar scam known as “a relationship.” It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as “marriage.”

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after “beer” is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious “beer” and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up “Golf Courses” in the yellow pages.

[Rick Kirchner]

1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching

flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the

chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that

freshly painted part you were drying.


2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere

under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint

whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to

say, "SH**!!!"


3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their

holes until you die of old age


4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.


5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board

principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable

motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more

dismal your future becomes.


6. VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is

available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the

palm of your hand.


7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various

flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the

grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.


8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and

motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2

socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.


9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground

after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack

handle firmly under the bumper.


10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt to lever an

automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.


11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially Douglas

fir.


12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another

hydraulic floor jack.


13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for

spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog feces from your

boots.


14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes

and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.


15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile

strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.


16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool

that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the


end without the handle.


17 AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.


18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes

called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine

vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health

benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at

about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during,

say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark

than light, its name is somewhat misleading.


19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style

paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used,

as the name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.


20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a

coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into

compressed air that travels by hose to an Pneumatic impact wrench that

grips rusty bolts last tightened 70 years ago by someone at Ford, and

rounds them off.


21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or

bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.


22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.


23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer

now-a-days is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts

not far from the object we are trying to hit.


24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of

cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well

on boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, and plastic

parts

[rickjohnson356]

Got this from the Senior Six Register folks. (BMW E3 & E9 gruppe)

Do not try this yourself when near Christmas or birthdays.....

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ
so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting
into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually
says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman
enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded
to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am,
not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to
sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which
one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes
to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each
outfit.

We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have
thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she
was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she
doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop
when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is
all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't
feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

I then said "honey I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for
me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had
this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just
love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

[Mark H]

When a cow laffs will milk come out it's nose?

Why do we give our $$ to someone called a broker?

[Douglas Brenner]

A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and asks......
"Why the long face?"

[ChuckU2]

Richard,


Now THAT was funny!!

[JHaydon]

A grasshopper hops into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "You know, we have drink named after you."
The grasshopper says, "Really? You have a drink called Howard?"

[FF3]

"President Bush is at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, and here's the good news -- he says he will only stay until Crawford is capable of self rule."
--David Letterman

"President Bush is taking his summer vacation. It's a five-week vacation. This is his fiftieth vacation in the last five years --that's about the national average isn't it? During his five-week vacation, he will continue to receive national security briefings. He won't be reading them, but he will receive them."
--David Letterman

"President Bush is vacationing in Crawford, Texas. He will be vacationing for five weeks. That's a long time. I don't think he has an exit strategy for his vacation either."
--David Letterman

"It's been a tough week for the Bush family. First, close friend and Orioles baseball player Rafael Palmeiro tested positive for steroids and, on Monday, Bush friend King Fahad of Saudi Arabia tested negative for being alive."
--Jon Stewart

"President Bush believes Rafael Palmeiro. He said he considers Palmeiro a friend and tests or no tests, he believes him. Maybe Rafael Palmeiro is the one who told him there were weapons of mass destruction."
--Jimmy Kimmel

"The rumor persists in Washington that Karl Rove has a girlfriend on the side, but he will not comment on her. You know what that means. Apparently she does not work for the CIA."
--Jay Leno

"Bush tried to turn the spotlight on Bolton's positive characteristics. For example, did you know he was born of human parents?"
--Jon Stewart

"President Bush is going on his annual vacation. The White House says he goes to his Texas Ranch to unwind. I'm thinking, when does he wind?"
--David Letterman

"The energy bill passed Congress this week and -- surprise, surprise -- it has huge tax relief for energy companies and oil companies. What a shock. They said it was a historical bill. It was the first time a pork barrel was placed inside an oil barrel."
--Jay Leno

"President Bush is the fittest president in history. They said it's because he spends a lot of time exercising. See, a lot of our previous presidents wasted that time reading."
--Jay Leno

"President Bush signed an energy bill in New Mexico last week. He had a simple clear message for all Americans -- he said the economy is moving, it's moving to China and Korea and Taiwan, but it's moving."
--Jay Leno

"After President Bush signed the new transportation bill, he said it's not just enough to sign the bill -- people have to show up and do the work. Then he went back to his five-week vacation."
--Jay Leno

"Earlier today President Bush signed a sweeping 1,000 page highway bill. Officials got the president to read all 1,000 pages by calling it 'Harry Potter and the Highway Bill.'"
--Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday in New York City they did a simulated gas attack. ... I believe it was the biggest release of gas in Manhattan since, well I guess the Republican convention."
--David Letterman

"President Bush is on a five-week vacation. From what? President Bush, before he went on vacation, he signed a bill that will extend daylight savings another month. He said it proves we're winning the war on darkness."
--David Letterman

"So Congress is on recess and Bush is on vacation -- the town is empty. It's so lonely in D.C. right now the NRA and the oil lobby are just giving money to each other."
--Jay Leno

"It turns out President Bush can run again in the next election. Now I know you're supposed to be allowed only two terms, but the Supreme Court said if you count his vacation time, he's barely served one."
--Jay Leno

[Ron Tebo]

Subject: why men can have 2 dogs but not 2 wives



1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point
across.

6. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or
desk.

7. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a
day.

8. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

9. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

10. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you
get another dog?"

11. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them
away.

12. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you
a pervert.

13. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just
think it's interesting.

14. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And, last but not least:

15. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

[Ron Tebo]

You ever wondered where the phrase,
"You gotta be ****tin' me!" came from?

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of our country way back when, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. There were 33 [remember this number] in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters [remember this name] and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead."

They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know, was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort."

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"

Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are 32 of us without Peters."

And the Madam said, "You gotta be ****tin' me!"

[JHaydon]

WOMAN'S POEM

I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I want him to be gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, be not annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind
And knows the answer to "how big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM

I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and an enclosed trailer.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.

[Bart Perlman]

A cowboy was vacationing down in Old Mexico. While walking down the street he encounters this tantalizing aroma coming from a nearby cantina. Entering he asks the innkeeper what that fabulous smell is. He is shown a beautiful plate of steaming food, which he is told is a local dish made from the testicles of bull that was slain in a bullfight earlier that day. Unfortunately, the last of this delicacy had been sold and the cowboy was told to return next Sunday, after the bullfights.
The following Sunday he patiently waited his turn, soaking up that exquisite aroma, while his meal was being served. As he had anxious awaited all week for this meal, he was disappointed by the small portion of food sat down before him. Upon questioning, his waiter informed him "Senor, sometime the bull, he win".

[EYERACE]

it would take too long to read the thread to know if this is already in here or not.......

i was recently admonished about political correctness and being more sensitive with choice of words.
I have been informed that the islamist terrorists, that hate us and want to kill us for just being Americans, do not like being called "towel heads," since the item worn on the head is not a towel at all but rather a small folded sheet.
Therefore, we should all henceforth refer to them as those "little sheet heads."
Thank you.

[carnut169]

[size=1]Question: If you could live forever, would you and Why?[/size]

[size=1]Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not[/size]
[size=1]live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,[/size]
[size=1]then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,[/size]
[size=1]which is why I would not live forever,"[/size]

[size=1]--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.[/size]

[size=1]Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids[/size]
[size=1]all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love[/size]
[size=1]to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and[/size]
[size=1]death and stuff."[/size]
[size=1]Mariah Carey[/size]

[size=1]"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very[/size]
[size=1]important part of your life,"[/size]
[size=1]--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become[/size]
[size=1]Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.[/size]


[size=1]I've never had major knee surgery on any other partof my body," [/size]
[size=1]--Winston Bennett,[/size]
[size=1]University of Kentucky basketball forward[/size]

[size=1]"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the[/size]
[size=1]lowest crime rates in the country,"[/size]
[size=1]--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.[/size]

[size=1]"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through[/size]
[size=1]our papers. We are the president."[/size]
[size=1]--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of[/size]
[size=1]subpoenaed documents.[/size]


[size=1]"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death[/size]
[size=1]by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"[/size]
[size=1]--A congressional candidate in Texas[/size]



[size=1]Half this game is ninety percent mental."[/size]
[size=1]--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark[/size]


[size=1]It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's[/size]
[size=1]the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."[/size]
[size=1]--Al Gore, Vice President[/size]


[size=1]"We are ready for an unforeseen event that[/size]
[size=1]may or may not occur."[/size]
[size=1]--Al Gore, Vice President[/size]

[size=1]"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."[/size]
[size=1]--Dan Quayle[/size]

[size=4][size=1]We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude [/size][size=1]certain types of people." [/size]
[size=1]Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.[/size]
[size=1][/size]
[size=1]If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."[/size]
[size=1]--Bill Clinton, President[/size]

[size=1]Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come[/size]
[size=1]from overseas."[/size]
[size=1]--Keppel Enderbery[/size]

[size=1]Your food stamps will be stopped effective[/size]
[size=1]March 1992 because we received notice that[/size]
[size=1]you passed away. May God bless you. You may[/size]
[size=1]reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."[/size]
[size=1]-Department of S-ocial Services, Greenville, South Carolina[/size]


[size=1]If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack[/size]
[size=1]in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their[/size]
[size=1]heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when[/size]
[size=1]they wake up dead, there'll be a record."[/size]
[size=1]--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman[/size]






[/size]

[JHaydon]

"What a waste it is to lose one’s mind—or not to have a mind. How true that is."
-Dan Quayle, mangling the slogan "A mind is a terrible thing to waste" while addressing the audience at a function for the United Negro College Fund

[Mark H]

Why do divorces cost so much?
Cause they are worth it.

Why are wives like a tornado?
At first there is a lot of blowing and the your house is gone.

[EYERACE]

East Germany built a two-cycle three cylinder engined car called the Trabia [by the way Trabia is German for 'piece of crap']...........this is how slow the car is...

Rolf, the East Berliner, after the Berlin wall came down, drove over to West Berlin to sightsee. Rolf had to eventually stop at a stoplight. After the light changed green, all the cars and drivers behind Rolf began to honk and yell at him as Rolf madly rammed the car into gear over and over and struggled with the clutch pedal. His car was stuck on a piece of gum!