Joke thread [WARNING: off color, read at your own risk]

[Ron Tebo]

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply.
I R S : We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.
Out of my mind Back in five minutes.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Hang up and drive!
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Lord save me from your followers.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
Said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you!
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He/She who laughs last thinks slowest.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Friends help you move Real friends help you move bodies.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

[Ron Tebo]

To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of
his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan
lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man
fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn on his"tool
of the trade." But the young man was determined not to miss his date,
so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man
treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the
living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up
again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen. Having heard
how milk is an effective soother of sunburn, he poured a tall, cool
glass of milk.

He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced
immediate relief of his pain.

The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the
kitchen to see him with his Johnson immersed in a glass of milk.

Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you load those
things!"

[JHaydon]

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde lady walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."

[bscotti]

A bus, carrying only ugly people, crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their Maker and, because of the grief they have experienced. He decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up and God asks the first one what their wish is.

"I want to be gorgeous, " and so, God snaps His fingers and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous, too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while. But, when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts giggling. When there are only ten people left, this guy is giggling uncontrolably, barely able to breath.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually manages to catch his breath and says, "Make'em all ugly, again."

[formulasuper]

John, trying to make points with a certain lady?

[Phil Picard]

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a
generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic
name of acetaminophen. Aleve is also called naproxen. Amoxil is also
called amoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced
that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered
were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix,
and of course, ibepokin

[Bob Wright]

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you.

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that nothing you could say or ask would bother me.

"Well, I've always had the fanasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Lets see what we can do about that. 1) you have to be single, and 2) you have to be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "I am both single and Catholic."

"Ok," the nun says," Pullin the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantacy with a long kiss which would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"why are you crying, my dear child?" asks the nun.

"Forgive me, but I have sinned; I'm neither single or Catholic, I'm married and Jewish."

"That's ok," the nun says, "My name is Simon and I'm going to a Halloween party.

[JHaydon]

John, trying to make points with a certain lady?

Ya got somebody in mind??


During services one Sunday morning, the Devil pops up from the floor and proceeds to chase everyone out the door -- except one grizzled old man. The devil rushes up to him and growls, "Run, foolish mortal! I am Satan! I am evil incarnate!"
The man doesn't flinch.
The devil roars, "Why do you sit here? Aren't you afraid?"
The man says, "Why should I be? Been married to your sister for 42 years!"

[Ron Tebo]

Here's your weekly safety brief. Be careful what you wear (or don't, wear), when working under your vehicle...especially in public.

From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

[akilcoyne]

Tired of your ladies rules? You can now submit your own set of rules.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Dont ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we mean the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. NOT BOTH. If you already know the best of to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have NO idea what mauve is.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want the answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine....REALLY
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sports, the weather, or hunting.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Yes I know after you have read this I will be sleeping on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[Wee Bobby]

It was the first evening of their honeymoon and Francois (the new young pastor at the local parish) was somewhat concerned about his new brides knowledge of marital relationships.

He carried her across the doorstep and after he had offered her a big glass of wine, he stated “Mary dear, I have a question”.

With some trepidation, he disrobed and pointing to his lower regions he asked, “Do you know what this is?"

“Oh my gosh!… it’s a wee wee!” Mary replied.

With his confidence restored, Francois stated, “Well Mary – that’s good, but from now on we’ll call it a “Johnson"!"

Mary quickly replied “ Sorry to disappoint you Frankie - but I’ve seen a lot a “Johnson's" in my life and trust me… that’s a wee wee!!

Wee Bobby
Haggis Racing

[Ron Tebo]

Morris walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."

"Who?"

"Dave Aronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave."

"There are always a few clouds over everybody," says Morris.

"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He raced formula fords. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"He was something, huh?"

"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood."

"No wonder you remember him."

"Well, I never actually met Dave."

"Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Morris.

"Because I married his widow

[Ron Tebo]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in a pouring down rain is asking for a push.

"Not a chance" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asks his wife.

"Just a drunken stranger asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I didn't - it's three in the morning and raining like hell out!"

"Well you've got a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on our trip and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him."

The man does as he is told. He gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark.

"Hello! Are you still there?"

Yes," comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," the drunk replies.

[Brad Ellingson]

[size=2]Jesse Jackson, while visiting a primary school class, found himself in adiscussion related to words and their meanings.The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."[/size]
[size=2] [/size]
[size=2]One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." "No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."[/size]
[size=2] [/size]
[size=2]A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.""I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss."[/size]
[size=2] [/size]
[size=2]The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy," Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says:[/size]
[size=2][/size]
[size=2] "If a plane carrying the Rev. Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"[/size]
[size=2][/size]
[size=2]"Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, it probably wouldn't be an accident either."[/size]

[Ron Tebo]

A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out very well and she enjoys showing off her new look. She goes to the newsstand and asks the man, ''Sir, how old do you think I am''?

The man replies ''You're 30, right?'' She says ''No, I'm 47, but nice try.''

The next day, she goes to McDonald's. She orders her lunch and asks the young man at the counter, ''How old do you think I am?''

The man replies, ''You're 37, right?''

The lady says ''No, I'm 47, but good guess.''

After lunch, she gets on the bus and she asks an 85-year-old man how old she is. He replies ''Lady, I can tell how old any woman is by sticking my hand down her knickers.''

So, quietly and quickly, she lets him do so. He thinks a moment and announces, ''You're 47!''

The lady, astonished, asks, ''How did you know?''

The old man replies ''I was standing right behind you at McDonald's

[Ron Tebo]

After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:

His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt, Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop'n Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U. Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois, Chica Gogh
His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother, Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stagecoach, Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh
His nephew, psychoanalyst E. Gogh
The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay Gogh.

[Ron Tebo]

A well-dressed elderly gentleman boarded the subway, moved to the back of the car,
and sat reading his Wall Street Journal.

At the next stop, a young man clad entirely in black leather boarded the train. His hair was a bright yellow mohawk with a three-foot long ponytail dyed bright blue. Through his nose was a bone, and a large feather earring dangled from his left ear.

The older man looked over his paper and surveyed the younger man from head to toe with a
quizzical look on his face.

"What's the matter, old man, didn't you ever do anything wild in your younger days?", the
young man asked.

"Actually," the older man replied, "when I was about your age, I had sex with a parrot, and I was thinking you might be my son."

[bscotti]

[size=1]Hangover scale

One star hangover

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you're craving a philly sub and steak fries.

Two star hangover

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Denny's excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three star hangover

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps' shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke-yet you haven't peed once.

Four star hangover

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (for the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five ****s you take during the day makes the eyes water of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five star hangover

You have a second heartbeat in your noggin, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now.[/size]

[fubar]

P-Wed racer is standing in checkout line at local grocery store. Notices stunning blonde in next line looking his way. After looking around to see who blonde is really checking out, racer realizes girl is looking at him and giving a shy wave! Both complete separate purchases, then hot blonde walks up to racer and says: "Excuse me, but I think I had one of your children!"
Racer's mind goes blank for a moment until suddenly the memories stream back. "Omidgod, you must be the stripper from that bachelor party about 5 years ago. The one where we both got totally loaded and wound up on the pool table having wild sex while everyone else at the party yelled and cheered us on!" Blonde returns equally blank look, then says: "No, but your son was in my English class last year."

[Gator]

i used to love!!! the hot teachers when i was growin up.

[Ron Tebo]

As I am 64 and nearing retirement, I went to the social security office to apply for
Social Security, the woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left
my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to
have left my wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."

As I am bald, the woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough
for me" and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home,
I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the social security office.
She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability too."


Women can be so cruel at times....

[EYERACE]

..... Not long ago, I arrested a man for driving while intoxicated. When I brought him to jail, the booking clerk asked the standard questions-name, address,phone number and so on. "Lastly," said the clerk, who should we call in case of an emergency?" Grinning, the drunk slurred, "911."

[RRRR]

Doctor called, said he had bad news and worse news.. Tell me the bad news first I said...You have 2 days left to live.. What could be worse that that I asked? I forgot to call you yesterday

[rickjohnson356]

I found out this weekend at the ARRC that Stewards are not all grumpy like they are reported to be. The following memo was floating around in the tower. I contributed the Formula car driver line.

A Short Guide to SCCA Club Racing

EV Worker.................................**** happens

Production Driver........................**** ALWAYS happens

IT Driver....................................My ****'s legal, check HIS ****

Spec Racer Driver........................**** just keeps on happening

Formula Car Driver, after wreck.....My **** is all over the place

CAN-AM Driver............................****? What ****? Where? Can I buy some?

Grid Worker...............................**** happens in one minute

Tech worker...............................There's **** hiding in here somewhere

S O M.......................................I can't find a GCR reference for ****

Control......................................**** happening, turn 5 car 47 yellow. Center track

Corner worker............................Why does all the **** happen on someone else's turn?

Compliance crew........................Take apart ALL your ****

Car builder................................Let's try some new ****

Chief Steward............................**** WILL NOT happen

R E...........................................This **** costs too much

Vice President............................Let's toss out all the old ****



Carters: Thanks for the auto-edit of the 4-letter word. There are younger folk who may read this

[Ron Tebo]

Supposedly an actual letter sent to Miller Brewing Company and their response:

Miller Brewing Company

Milwaukee, Wisconsin 53201

Dear Sir or Madam,

I have been a drinker of Miller beers for many years (actually, ever
since that other company donated a big chunk of change to Handgun
Control Inc. back in the mid 80's). Initially, my beer of choice was
Lite, but some time in mid-1990 while in Honduras I switched to MGD
smuggled up from Panama. Now, for nearly six years, I have been a
faithful drinker of MGD. For these past years, I have come to expect
certain things from Genuine Draft.

I expect that whenever I see that gold can of MGD, I am about ready
to enjoy a great, smooth brew. But wait! Sometime around the first of
the year, my beloved MGD changed colors, so to speak. That familiar
gold can was no longer gold! Knowing that I am, by nature, somewhat
resistant to change, I forced myself to reserve judgment on the new
can design. Gradually, I grew to appreciate the new label.

That was until about May of this year. That was when I discovered
(empirically) that I really didn't like the new design. Further
investigation of the cause of my distress resulted in the following
observations:

1. Your cans are made of aluminum.

2. Aluminum is a great conductor of energy.

3. Your beer is commonly consumed outside, and thus, the container
may be exposed to sunlight.

4. Sunlight striking the can causes radiant warming of the surface of
the can.

5. The resultant heat (energy) is transferred through the aluminum,
by conduction, to the contents of the can (the beer).

6. Warm beer sucks.

This is a process that can be observed in just about any beer.
However, this process is significantly accelerated in MGD because you
painted the damn can. . . black!!! Who was the rocket scientist that
designed the new graphic for the can and implemented the change right
before summer? Granted, this process may not be real evident up there
in Wisconsin, but down here in Oklahoma where the summers are both
sunny and hot, this effect is quite a problem. There's no telling
what the folks in Texas and Arizona are having to put up with.

Knowing that you would probably not address this issue unless you had
firm evidence of a problem, I and several other subjects conducted
extensive experimentation. The results of these experiments are
listed below.

The experiments were conducted over two days on the deck next to my
pool. The study included seven different types of beer (leftovers
from a party the previous weekend) that were initially chilled to 38
(and then left exposed to sunlight for different lengths of time.)
These beers were sampled by the test subjects at different intervals.
The subjects, all normally MGD drinkers, were asked at each sampling
interval their impressions of the different beers. The length of time
between the initial exposure to sunlight and the point where the
subject determined the sample undrinkable (the Suck-point) was
determined. The average ambient temperature for the trials was 95
degrees F.

Beer Type Average Suck-point (minutes)

Miller Lite (white can) 6.2

Bud (white can) 5.5

Bud Lite (silver can) 5.2

Ice House (blue & silver can) 4.4

Coors Lite (silver can) 4.1

Miller Genuine Draft (black can) 2.8

Coors (gold can) 0.1

It was evident that the color of the can directly correlates to the
average suck point, except for Coors which was pretty much determined
to suck at any point. It is to be hoped that you will consider re-
designing your MGD cans. All beer drinkers that are not smart enough
to keep their beer in the shade will thank you.

Sincerely,

Bradley Lee

Beer-drinker

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-


The Miller response appears below. They have had a lot of fun with
this

guy's letter.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-


Dear Bradley Lee, Thank you for your letter and your concern about
the MGD can color as it relates to premature warming of the contents.
Like you, we at Miller Beer take beer drinking very seriously. To
that end, we have taken your letter and subsequent experiment under
serious consideration. Outlined below are our findings and solution
to your problem. May we add that we have had similar letters from
other loyal beer drinkers, mostly from the Southern United States.

First, let us congratulate you on your findings. Our analysis tends
to agree with yours regarding Coors. It certainly does suck at about
any temperature. Now, it was our intentions when redesigning the MGD
can to create better brand identity and brand loyalty. Someone in
marketing did some kind of research and determined we needed to
redesign the can. You will be pleased to know, we have fired that
idiot and he is now wreaking havoc at a pro-gun control beer
manufacturer. The design staff working in cahoots with the marketing
idiot was also down-sized.

However, once we realized this mistake, to undo it would have been
even a bigger mistake. So, we took some other actions. From our
market research, we found a difference between Northern beer drinker
and Southern beer drinkers.

Beer drinkers in the South tend to drink slower than beer drinkers in
the North. We are still researching why that is. Anyway, at Miller
Beer, it was never our intentions to have someone take more than 2.5
minutes to enjoy one of our beers. We pride ourselves in creating
fine, smooth, quick drinking beers and leave the making of sissy,
slow sipping beers to that Sam guy in Boston.

However, it is good to know that you feel our Miller Lite can last as
long as 6 minutes. However, may we suggest in the future you try
consuming at least two in that time frame.

From your letter, we had our design staff work 'round the clock to
come Up with a solution that would help not just MGD but all our fine
Miller products. We hope you have recently noticed our solution to
your problem.

We found that the hole in the top of the can was not big enough for
quick consumption. So, we have now introduced the new "Wide Mouth"
cans. We hope this will solve all your problems. Might I also suggest
that if you want to get the beer out of the can even faster, you can
poke a hole on the side near the bottom, hold your finger over it,
open the can, tip it to your mouth and then pull your finger off the
hole. This is a common way to drink beer at parties and impress your
friends. This technique is known as "shot-gunning". You should like
the name.

Again, thank you for your letter and bringing to our attention that
there might be other beer drinkers taking more that 2.5 minutes to
drink our beers. Let me assure you that I am having our advertising
department work on campaign to solve this problem, too.

Sincerely,

Tom B. Miller

Public Relations

Miller Brewing Co.

[Mike Ahrens]

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar.

After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.

At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the hospital for blood tests. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."


"I doubt it," said the driver. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[Ron Tebo]

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs", and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "Mount & Do".

[Ron Tebo]

A man enters a bus, with his pockets full of golf balls, and sits down next to a blonde.

The blonde keeps looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he says, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continues to look at him thoughtfully and finally asks, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[John Robinson II]

Courtesy of Larry H.

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone"

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Susie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself

And repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years.

Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"


His funeral services will be held on Monday.

[Stu Pidd]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see, replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school".

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....."

[Gerry Dedonis]

Upon retirement an old fellow realized that he had poured himself into his work his entire life and never married. After spending a few weeks at home alone he decided that he needed some companionship and headed for the pet store.

After looking around the store he thought that he would like to purchase a bird. He began looking at the selection available and noticed that one bird sold for $100 and the bird in the next cage was priced at $10000. He looked and looked and studied the two birds, but he could not tell the difference, so he called over the store owner and asked him to explain.

The owner says; "The $10000 bird is the perfect bird and the $100 bird is just the average everyday bird." "But I still don't see the difference", says the old man. The owner explains that the $100 bird had a small hump on his beak and that made him just average. "You're telling me that if that $100 dollar bird didn't have that tiny little hump in his beak he would be worth $10000?" "Well", says the owner, "he might not be worth $10000, but he would be worth quite a bit more."

With much delight the old man says; "I'll take him. You see, I have been a master machinist my whole life and have worked with tools and my hands since I was a young boy. I think that I can file that hump off the bird's beak and make some extra money." "You might be able to do that", says the owner, "but I must warn you that there is a membrane in the bird's beak and you file to deeply you will kill the bird." "No problem", says the old man with great confidence, "I have worked with my hands and tools for over 50 years."

About a week later the old man was back in the pet store and the owner asks how things went with the bird. "He died", said the old man. The owner says; "I warned you that you could file to deeply and that would kill the bird." "Oh, that's not what happened", replied the old man. "Well, what happened then?" "I crushed his head in the vise", replied the old man.

[Gerry Dedonis]

Why we seldom have turkey for Thanksgiving......

[Mark H]

When French people cuss do they say "pardon my english"?

If you eat pasta and anti-pasta are you still hungary?

[Wee Bobby]

[size=1]While cleaning up the shop, I found a clipping from a publication that I had tucked away back in the 1970's.[/size]
[size=1] [/size]
[size=1]"The major growth business, internationally, is bureaucracy. The Lord's Prayer containes 56 words, the Ten Commandments 297, the American Declaration of Independence 300 and the Common Market directive on the export of duck eggs 26,911."[/size]
[size=1] [/size]
[size=1]Kenneth Fleet, in the London Sunday Times, as reported in the European Community[/size]
[size=1] [/size]
[size=1]Wee Bobby[/size]
[size=1]Haggis Racing[/size]

[Ron Tebo]

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 47 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, ****!"
Only the states of South Carolina, West Virginia and Arkansas were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"

[Ron Tebo]

The other day it was my turn to prepare dinner so I asked my wife to go over to the local market and buy some organic vegetables. She came back rather upset. When I asked her what was wrong she said, "I don't think I like that produce guy. I went and looked around for your organic vegetables and I couldn't find any. So I asked him where the organic vegetables were. "He didn't know what I was talking about so I said, 'These vegetables are for my husband. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?' "And he said, 'No, ma'am. You'll have to do that yourself.'"

[FF3]

George Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."

The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!" George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

[IDSRacing]

At school, young Wolfgang was in class when the teacher asked the pupils what their father did for a living. Everyone answered except Wolfgang. When the teacher approached he said quickly 'My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and he takes his clothes off for a living in front of other men.'

Not really believing the child, the teacher waited till class was over to confront him. 'Come-on Wolfgang,' she said, 'what does your father really do?' The child hung his head and said: 'He's in charge of reliability for Mercedes F1 engines. I was just too embarrassed to say.'

[Ron Tebo]

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old
is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited
about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six
and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to
the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey,
you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . you
become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony, YOU BECOME 21.
YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound
like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun
now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on
the brakes, it's all slipping away.
Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a
day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch;
you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into
the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a
little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and
height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay
"them "

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop.
" And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person, who is with us our entire life, is
ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family,
pets,keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your
refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable,improve it. If it is beyond what you can
improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next
county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths
we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. DOES THE KINK
AT ROAD AMERICA RING A BELL???

[Ron Tebo]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.

Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."